I dont know what C&C stands for.

[Jewtastic]

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...17459&sid=

what do you guys think.

[Dave]

Stands for Comments and Criticism.

[Jewtastic]

oh well thank you. Do you have any Comments or Critiscism on my last post?

[Dave]

No, sorry. I'm not good a giving CC.

[Jewtastic]

Any one?

[Ander]

Originally written by Murasaki
Beads on condensation dripped down the glass like sweet down his face.

I think you mean, 'Beads of condensation dripped down the glass like sweat down his face.'

sweat (v) - to excrete perspiration through the pores in the skin; perspire

sweet (adj) - having the taste of sugar or a substance containing or resembling sugar, as honey or saccharin

From the first paragraph, I can see where it's going, so when your reader has a good grasp of what is happening, you really need to make a predictable situation sing. But already, I'm bored. There is very little build up--you get straight to the point--so I'm not really anxious to read on. You don't have to give the plot specifics away at the get, but I would like to see a lot more flare. The guy is sneaking into somebody's place as a ninja-for-hire to steal an artifact, and the way you're going about it is like a guy just walking down the street. So what? Maybe for Murasaki, it's as easy as strolling down the road, but put a little more thrill into it. That situation could really be exciting, but it felt watered down. You describe him going into the place almost in the manner of a rehearsed routine, which is a big turn-off. You could have broken the monotony and paired up the action with insight to Murasaki's mind, insertion of background information, a look at the sucker who's about to get robbed, appropriately place a flashback, or countless other things. You made an attempt at it, like the medallion ritual before each mission and the fact that he's a black belt, but there could have been more. I see thought that went behind your posts, but there's definitely room for improvement.

Originally written by Murasaki
Murasaki performed a flip and a summersault (somersault) while soaring through the air before curling as he rolled across the ledge nearly 30 feet from his previous position. Rolling to a stop nearly 5 feet from where he originally hit the ninja pounced to his feet once again, quite and stealthy as always.

Like Supes (Super Buu) said not too long ago, details like that kind of detract from the effect. I know the '30 feet' is meant to impress, but keep it general to something like, 'substantial gap.' Get across that it's a 30-foot jump without actually saying that it is. Don't make your description seem like a technical manual.

Originally written by Murasaki
He landed sending his right foot out and bending his left.

Cool Bardock's revision
He landed in a kneeling crouch.
(Even something as simple as that would do versus how you word things!)

Character-wise: at first, Murasaki seems like a pretty confident ninja. He's executing his moves smoothly and knows exactly what he's doing. That's the picture you're piecing together. Suddenly, he starts to get a little nervous, which seems out of place. Murasaki, through thought, shows us that there's no real reason for him to be nervous. I would have liked to see you go more in depth about it if it's not typical of how he normally conducts his raids. As yours stands, it was premature to change up how he acts when we as readers are trying to get a concrete establishment of who he is.

Generate a few more posts and we'll go from there.