C & C Request

[Piper Juunanagou]

I thought that while I was away and unable to write, I'd take the opportunity to please ask if anyone would be interested in reading some of my recent work and giving me some C & C.

Link to my Lord Vine training. My posts are in there between Buu's, but yea, I'm only asking for comments and such on the first 4 or 5 (the battle between Seventeen and Aman'Thul), but if you'd like, feel free to read the first post of my actual training as well.

[Ander]

Fan of Charmed, are we? Can't say I really like the fusion to be honest, but it's your perrogative, so have at it.

There's really nothing bad I can say about your writing (technique, description, etcetera). I like it, and I think it works well as is. So, based on that aspect alone, the only thing I can give you are compliments. If you're looking for improvement on those aspects, you'll find few suggestions from me.

Originally written by Android 17
?Oh, howdy Paige,? the voice was that of Aida, the Nirvana?s communication?s operative, ?well I need Seventeen to report back to the Nirvana immediately, I got some important information for him. Just go grab him and get back to the ship,? Paige 10-4ed to the woman?s request and deactivated the scouter.

As much as I advocate for the comma, you need periods in there, after 'operative' and 'ship.' You use too many of the former, my friend. When most of your dialogue is concluded, you need a period, because you start a separate sentence after the closing quotation mark.

Originally written by Android 17
Then the unfathomable happened?the steel weaponry began to quiver and melt before the android?s eyes.

That is obviously only one sentence, but is a prime example of every other one in your posts. It is to the point, has good word choice, and conveys perfectly the image you are trying to get across.

As for your story, it is moving along fairly well. You have conflict, which allows progression of plot and gives growth to the character. Everyone portrays Lord Vine a little differently, but your version is to me how a saiya-jin ruler of his stature would behave, so character development is right on.

Other than that, man, I'm sorry I can't be more helpful.

[Piper Juunanagou]

Thanks, Bardock. I never realized I was punctuating my dialouge incorrectly, so thank you for clearing that up.