Been a while

[Toshiro]

So let's have some C&C on this here RP of mine

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...post215597

[Ander]

Sorry for the delay.

"The saiya-jin's mind was a muck of chaos." Damn good opening sentence. Sets the tone, slight alliteration, and overall pop-out. Right away, you go into the mind of your protagonist. I like that. It gives the reader not only a feel for the situation, but a better look at the character. I got pretty into the story; I was hooked from the beginning, but the whole reflection on the metal was genius. You've always been able to pull off stuff like that really well, dating back to Jan. You have the crazy thing down pat, and it was a nice contrast of child innocence versus evolving monster. Classic match. But...Sally? I found the name to be a little on the side of "John and Jane Smith." Having Gohan almost to the point of suicidal is a little different from what I normally read, but unfortunately is a very real and very serious emotion that you managed to capture. Being a lover of cliche, I'm looking forward to seeing how he overcomes his misery and self-destruction. Of course, if you're not the happy ending type, you could make him go the way of the Greek tragic hero.

As a stand-alone post, it's decent: gives you enough to satisfy, yet leaves the reader asking, "Okay, where's more?"

[Toshiro]

Lol, cheers for that Bar, and unfortently I doubt their will be more since BJ chucked us off of the damn ship, and thus destorying my plans of devlopement and then the ultimate destruction of Gohan's sanity on Mercy-sei. Thou, staff, could I try and fluid time some of this stuff?

[Yamu]

I like how you roleplay, Goho. He's a fighter...but not exsactly by choice. Instead of a teenager dealing with girls and cars, he's dealing with planetary destruction and death.

You put solid emotion into your writing with loosing the beleivability. Even as he is slashing his wrist it doesn't feel melo-dramatic, it feels real, a boy on the end of his rope who just wants a way out.

You use NPC like no one else. Most writers either treat them like garbage or a life long companion, you make them veleivabe people form the girl, to Shiir to the cat. The become part of the story not just another way to tell the same story.

I admire your in dpeth writing that is at the same time realistic and never boring. I am proud to be in an Alliance with you...please forgive the long time it took to get around to this.