Criticize Me

[Alura]

So I posted this in the PC C&C, but didn't get any real critism as I asked for.

So, please take the time to look at this roleplay and give me your thoughts, both positive and negative.

Here

[Mal Nova]

Well, It was smaller then what alot tend to post in saga, but thats not really bad, if you get my drift. I like how you switched between point of views, in a sense, going fdrom what the guys were thinking and then going to the way Burter would see things when the three men were assumed to be doing maintenence.

Maybe it could use a little more detail, in a sense if you wanted to make i longer, but other then that I dont much see a problem.

[Sullivan]

Originally written by Burter
...sipping a bottle of Kola...

Cola, shouldn't it be?

Originally written by Burter
...watching Dante's Abyss re-runs around the clock (he was a 24/7 subscriber)...

I like this subtle little reference. There was one in the Body Split training, first post, as BJ; where he watched some DA too, wasn't there?

All in all, the post was decent. The thing that made it seem better to me, was the fact that this is your official character now. It had a bit more umph and feeling put into it, I felt. I enjoy your posts.

It could've kept me a bit more entertained. More description of Burter maybe, or those he was attacking. Although it could've just been the fact that I haven't been keeping up with recent developments since I've died that left me confused on the location...but I took that risk when I decided to read the post.

Good job. Keep 'em coming.

[Ruhiel]

XD

We need to make a Chubbs "sports" station. Dante's Abyss re-runs, way to connect it to modern day life. He sounds just like any regular sports-fanatic, watching football all day. And then, way to completely throw the reader off, and turn Glorkiss's death into a humorous situation. The phrase "ki turbo'd locomotive" would tend to erase any sadness from that situation.

All around, it was a good "pwnage" post by Burter, and a good way to bring him back into the roleplaying scene.

You had one small spelling error, where you said: "...of watching people mindlessly killselves" Unless that was intentional, but I can't see why it would be.

The one thing I think would have made that piece of writing better in my opinion, would to have created a character like Glorkiss, and kept it in his perspective the ENTIRE time. Just watching Burter massacre everything and stuff. It makes it so that the reader sees Burter as being even more omnipotent. By giving an insight into Burter's mind, you lose a little of that. The ending lines were definitely good, but I think I would have liked it better if you had left it in the perspective of another small character right up until Burter killed him too.

[Alura]

Cola, shouldn't it be?

No, it was deliberate. =p

[Broli]

I like Kola better. It almost individualizes it as a drink that changelings would possess, if that makes any sense.

I thought it was good. Personally, I don't think it's that great of a post to criticize. What I mean to say is, it's a rarity for an opening battle scene to really blow you away. When you think about it, all Burter's doing in this scene is disposing of a few guards. Should we be feeling like he's saving the world? Not really. What I'm trying to say is that I think your post is really exactly what it should have been. On that same note, you do a good job with characterization. Describing the thoughts of the guards, including their hobbies, and the like all give the feel of actual people unique to the story rather than just words on paper.

The only real criticism I would give involves the technical stuff. You switch between second and third person near the start, saying along the lines of "how unlucky did you have to be" rather than saying "how unlucky did he have to be." Also, "his fangs were shown" is a passive statement, and really doesn't carry the aggressiveness it should (thus being passive). To be honest, I really haven't kept up with your work lately, so I don't know if these two things were just slip-ups in the post or if it's something you struggle with.

Overall, I think it gets the point across the Burt's back and that he's rocking. It's good, but I think people might over-criticize thinking that this post should have blown people away, which isn't really what should be expected at all considering what is taking place.

[Alura]

I appreciate all the critism, Broli's especially. You're right in that I didn't want this to be a super-awesome post. I did want critism on it, though, because this is my first serious post as Burter in almost a year.

[Broli]

Yeah, and that's really something any writer will struggle with when it comes to criticism. Everyone here wants to be a great writer, but several "awesome" moments require a lot of not-so-awesome build-up posts. The struggle is that asking for criticism will often result in people not really understanding the purpose of the post and will critique it for not having features that it really wasn't designed to possess at all.

Anyway, keep it up. Again, looks good.

Oh, and I'm not saying that anyone who has criticized Burter has been "in the wrong" or anything of that sort.