PCIII Official C&C

[Jack]

Zach, thats some good stuff. You have really developed Minoshia into this brooding, malevolent anti-hero. I cant help but cream at the possibilities you would have if that Goku Jr from your early days here was still in continuity. He would probably be a goody-good, and you this Dabura disciple, it would be great.

Ripping out hearts is a deffinent plus. I want more of that. It was great how you added an epic tone to it and didnt just pass it off as some minimal act of violence. You stuck your arm into a living chest and removed a beating organ... thats devilish. You wrote it as such, and with that act, you have solidified Minoshia into the best villain on Chubbs (IMO).

Please?

Was the diction good? Confusing? Did it flow well? And especially, what did you think of Bidos 'story'?

[Jonathan Meer]

Bido's story was awesome. Bido as a character is awesome.

But your post, frankly, was boring. There are few things I hate more than feeling like I'm reading a vocabulary test in fiction. You obviously have a good mastery of many words in the English language, but the constant use of large words when smaller words would fit the bill just fine is very boring to read. If it weren't for the fact that your character is amazing, I honestly would not have finished the piece. Others might disagree with me, but your style is not at all pleasing.

You really shine where it gets simpler, such as your dialogue (as in, when Bido tells that kickass story). You also describe the events well, though (again) this gets into the boring bit.

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...post271945

[Jack]

Originally posted by Krillin
You really shine where it gets simpler, such as your dialogue (as in, when Bido tells that kickass story). You also describe the events well, though (again) this gets into the boring bit.

I thought so. Damnit, Im such a tool. >=|

[Jonathan Meer]

Since I didn't mention it earlier, I'll say it here.

Bido, your writing is simply AMAZING in parts, but in other parts its quite boring. I have no doubt that, with a concentrated effort on the other parts, you could get it to the point where it's all amazing.

And at that point, I'd buy your book.

[Veritas]

no one said anything about mine lol.

[Jonathan Meer]

Originally posted by Jeice
no one said anything about mine lol.

Post wasn't bad. Nothing in it really jumped out and seized my attention as "OMFG AWESOME!", but it wasn't bad stylistically. You have a somewhat pleasing style. With plenty more practice, you could round it out just fine. I would recommend trying to show more about your scenes, however, instead of telling about them. Give us descriptions that would allude to the emotions you want to convey, instead of just saying "Jeice respected Turles." It gets a bigger impact that way, and is more precise. Just don't go overboard.

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...post271945

EDIT: Editted Link.

[Jack]

Just wanted to say to Jeice: the dialogue lacked character. I couldnt tell when Turles was talking as oppossed to Jeice talking... it all seemed the same. Giving Jeice a specific voice and drawl will go a long way. Rad has 'tch', Bojack has the phrase 'pig-fucker' (I lub it). These are two of my favorites because I know they have stuff going on in their posts that nobody else has going on. Thats style.

Krillin, thanks for the compliment. Unfortunately that link is 404.

[Vejita I]

Krillin - I thought it was pretty well detailed. I thought it lacked some vocabulary just to make it "look" better.

Sorry, I'm not much for C & C. Never was. =(

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...21569&sid=

I skimmed through it so I know there is some parts where I messed up. Grammar and spelling isn't really my concern, but one thing I noticed I messed up accidentally is where I was describing the vegetation when I actually meant my aura. I obviously was doing another sentence and decided to change it. So don't be too harsh on me =O! I was kind of in a rush to get it up before Bido made his introduction post.

Edit: I was looking for the second post of mine to be judged. Not the introduction

[Jonathan Meer]

KV, it felt as though you were trying too hard to make a good post. I don't know if that's just your natural style or what, but the description was definitely over-the-top. I know I have a stylistic preference much different than most, but if the only glimpse we get of you individuality as a writer has to be seen between the bars of tedious description, than we don't really get a feel for you. What's more, the reader might get bored.

That said, your description is phenomenal. I think, however, instead of using it to the degree that you do, you should instead select only a few details that convey the scene you're trying to create, and leave the reader to imagine the rest.

But, again, that's just me. I tend to use very little description as it is. =p

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...post272984

[Veritas]

Originally posted by Krillin
KV, it felt as though you were trying too hard to make a good post. I don't know if that's just your natural style or what, but the description was definitely over-the-top. I know I have a stylistic preference much different than most, but if the only glimpse we get of you individuality as a writer has to be seen between the bars of tedious description, than we don't really get a feel for you. What's more, the reader might get bored.

That said, your description is phenomenal. I think, however, instead of using it to the degree that you do, you should instead select only a few details that convey the scene you're trying to create, and leave the reader to imagine the rest.

But, again, that's just me. I tend to use very little description as it is. =p

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...post272984

I thought it was pretty good Krillin, nice detail added....TWO THUMBS UP!.

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...21391&sid=

Can someone C&C mine (the last one on the page from me)? I know it's not good at all (in my eyes) I was just wondering what others thought. Just keep in mind I'm sick and I couldn't conentrate, I just wanted to post to keep up. ...

[Vejita I]

Originally posted by Krillin
KV, it felt as though you were trying too hard to make a good post. I don't know if that's just your natural style or what, but the description was definitely over-the-top. I know I have a stylistic preference much different than most, but if the only glimpse we get of you individuality as a writer has to be seen between the bars of tedious description, than we don't really get a feel for you. What's more, the reader might get bored.

That said, your description is phenomenal. I think, however, instead of using it to the degree that you do, you should instead select only a few details that convey the scene you're trying to create, and leave the reader to imagine the rest.

But, again, that's just me. I tend to use very little description as it is. =p

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...post272984

I actually did try too hard. In respect to Bido, I felt he deserved me "stepping it up" a notch. I've been taking it easy up until that post. But yeah, thanks.

Sorry for spamming you ho's thread. I'll skidattle =D

[Alura]

Jeice:

In all seriousness, it wasn't that bad. Of course, you do still need some work but it wasn't as bad as you made it out to be.

First thing, though. The dialogue.

?I?m not sure, but I know regardless of what we encounter it won?t be easy.? Jeice replied looking back at his saiyan friend.

Now say that aloud. It is something Jeice would say? I would think it'd more like:

"I dunno, but I know regardless of what happens, it's ain't gonna be a picnic"

Aside from that, just some grammar mistakes and some puntuation like commas should be thrown in.

Try reading your post aloud and see how it sounds. That's the best way to test the flow of your writing. Make it sound as natural as you can.



My Turn

[Veritas]

Burter: I liked it alot, even for being on the short side I thought it was good, I especially liked the first paragraph where you mentioned DA and how he was a subscriber lol.

My newest one, lemme know what you guys think, besides there being too much dialog :-\.

My Newest One

[Veritas]

Originally posted by Bebi
Jeice: That wasn't too shabby at all, but it did seem to move along far too fast for my tastes. You used description, but it wasn't of the important sort -- such as the mirror on the door or the metal on the walls. My advice is to describe what the other soldiers are feeling, or at least how well they're holding themselves up. Describe the sounds crashing in all around from outside the ship and etc. Just anything that could change the flow of movement, like "Another explosion rattled the bearings of the flying steel beast, throwing a preverbial spear into the heart of morale all around." That's an excessive usage of words but you get the point.

All in all it was a good, solid post. I'm usually a description hoe, though, so yeah.

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...21655&sid=

I'd prefer my second post, but if you want to critic me on the first one too, feel free.

(Yeah, I realize I want to switch characters. Doesn't mean I can't have my writing looked over :])

I thought it was good, I see what you were talking about in your C&C about me, it was long lol but a good read, it kept me interested the entire time.

The second one

I thought that this one was better then my last, with everything ya know? Somone lemme know what you think.

[Jonathan Meer]

Just so you guys know, Comments and Critiques generally means you put a certain amount of thought in your replies, and give it some substance, including how the author could improve on the post. Writing something like, "It was good," and "I liked <this>" isn't a good C&C comment. Try to give it more substance, or people might get frustrated with your replies and refuse to C&C your work when you ask for it.

[Veritas]

Sorry...LOL I just got C&C on my C&C. I know what you mean though I'll do it next time.

[Jonathan Meer]

It's all good. =D

[Jewtastic]

Just starting it back up again!

[Aqua]

Slow start, but it finished well once the dialogue picked up.

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/thread.php?postid=274996&sid=#post274996

[Veritas]

Originally posted by Jeice

Originally posted by Bebi
Jeice: That wasn't too shabby at all, but it did seem to move along far too fast for my tastes. You used description, but it wasn't of the important sort -- such as the mirror on the door or the metal on the walls. My advice is to describe what the other soldiers are feeling, or at least how well they're holding themselves up. Describe the sounds crashing in all around from outside the ship and etc. Just anything that could change the flow of movement, like "Another explosion rattled the bearings of the flying steel beast, throwing a preverbial spear into the heart of morale all around." That's an excessive usage of words but you get the point.

All in all it was a good, solid post. I'm usually a description hoe, though, so yeah.

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...21655&sid=

I'd prefer my second post, but if you want to critic me on the first one too, feel free.

(Yeah, I realize I want to switch characters. Doesn't mean I can't have my writing looked over :])

I thought it was good, I see what you were talking about in your C&C about me, it was long lol but a good read, it kept me interested the entire time.

The second one

I thought that this one was better then my last, with everything ya know? Somone lemme know what you think.

No one ever did mine ...