PCIII Official C&C

[Rem-13]

Well Jeice, that link leads me nowhere, so I'll do Aqua, despite the fact I don't know if what he gave even qualifies as 'C&C' for Mura. Whatever. Now I'm not too good at this whole criticism but Ill try.

So, Aqua, I read your post and was pleasantly surprised at the quality. I can't pick any specific points in your story where you did any thing bad, but as far as your writing in general there was a little too much plain speech. You could defidantly improve if you incorporated a few metaphors or flowery expressions for things you would ordinarily state. Also, you tend to reuse word on occasion. Pronouns and synonyms are your friends.

An example:

The energy dick cut through the makan sappo and found its mark on the still on-coming Namekian. The destructo disk met him head on, literally, and split him I half vertically.

A finely written thing, sans the... uh... unfortunate typo there, but room for improvement. Now similieeted/metaphorizated!

The energy disk cut through the makensappo and found its mark on the still on-coming Namekian. It met him head on, slicing him in half as clean and as juicily as a knife through an overripe fruit.

Nice imagery, right?

Well, here's mine.
http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...post275993

[Aqua]

I'll omit mentioning basic gramar stuff.

?Oh, I shoot straight it?s your ass backwards face that is crooked.? Their obvious and unsubstantiated boasting was ? an annoyance.

Brilliant use of the eclipse as stylistic reference. I really like this.

But the days of rash actions were gone. No he had to calculate this. Murder this advance party and he would alert the main force.

I know what you are going for here, but you need some sort of transition to avoid chopiness and reflect internal thought.

And aside from your last sentence (oh and the beared face of one of the heads), you didn't really use any racial content based on your enemy. Include a tail being lobbed off... or something.

Besides that, I thought it was very good. I would have liked a bit more, as the narrative was a bit hard to tell from which perspective the story was being told, but I get the basics.

Very well written ^_^

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...post276106

[Treius]

Pan:

I read the second one, just so you know.

My only gripe was the bit in the beginning where Pan is talking to herself out loud. To me, that was a little bit awkward, and I think it would have done better to have been said inside her mind as a thought instead of out loud. That really depends on the character I guess, but that's just my opinion.

The ending was pretty badass, I love good one-liners to end posts. Good job.

The grammar was good, which I love and means I can move past bad comma placement (which you don't have) and read the post for what it was meant to say.

Critique plzzzz!

[Sage]

C-C-C-Combo-- Er... Corniss... Breaker. <.<

Yeah.

Dude. That little flashback was fantastic. You created Elia in a light that made her seem absolutely perfect, and, since - to Corniss - she probably was, it really showed how he felt for her.

Following that, your contrast to present-day Corniss was good. He's a bit tougher, more... tempered(?) I guess.

I also dig your portrayal of Murasaki's behaviour. How his ninja training is so ingrained, he's more or less "always on", etc. You've got a really good grasp on what's happening to your chara, and that's very important.

Now, then. My turn. Sorry it's so long. XD

[Treius]

Bra I had like, the shittiest end of the day today, and your C&C totally shot my ego to another galaxy. I feel better now, and I can go to sleep happier. Thanks.

[Veritas]

The Last Post I Made


Can anyone let me know how I'm doing?

[Jonathan Meer]

No, we won't Jeice, unless you critique Kollifum's. You don't just get to post your roleplay. You actually have to do some work.

And "critique" doesn't mean, "Kollifum, your post is good. I like the dialogue." Critique means go as in-depth as you possibly can to let him know what he can improve on, what his strong point is, and some possibilities for future plotlines.

[Veritas]

Sorry Krillin, your right....I'll get right on it and try to as in depth as I can

[Jonathan Meer]

No worries. It's easy to forget about stuff like that when old topics are brought back up. I know I do it all the time. *thumbs up*

[Aqua]

My biggest critique for you Koli, is a more general one than anything else. Make sure that, while role playing your character's personality, you keep his relative power in mind. You seemed to have one that fairly well in your spar with Pan, but kind of over looked it in your interaction with Bra and Aqua. This is an easy fix as all you really need to include is a disclaimer here and there where you say something like, "Though Kollifum felt powerless next to the might Bra..." or something to that effect. This isn't anything major really, just something I've noticed.

Your writing, in general, however is fairly good.

My last (2) posts were back to back cause they were rather long.

Prophecy's Child 3: The Dragonborne

[Veritas]

My last (2) posts were back to back cause they were rather long.

Witch one if not both would you like C&C on? ?(

[Aqua]

they were supposed to be one post put together.. so both would be nice ^_^. Much thanks Jeice!