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+---- Thread: Here We Be (/showthread.php?tid=4996)
Here We Be - Jonathan Meer - 08-15-2005
A little spiritual poem I wrote while imprisoned in a Hyatt hotel. Personally, I think this is some of my best work as a poet ever. I'm considering entering it in a Christian competition through my church that, if I make it to regionals (which I did for piano last year), I could get a $1000 scholarship. Therefore, I want your harshest, most brutal critiques of every jot and tittle. Don't hold anything back.
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Here We Be
Here we be, trapped in a setting Atlantis,
Of metal, wood, fire, and sand.
No stone left untrod.
God?
Here we be, shaken in a sinful, weighted tumbler.
Struck by Hate?s embittered hand.
Broken at his nod.
God?
Here we be, ravaged by our own bright blindness,
Cursed by our deafening band.
By self-made sod.
God?
Here we be, freed from life?s fatal roulette,
Saved by his Compassion-Hand,
Mended at his nod.
God.
Here We Be - Hellfighter 17 - 08-15-2005
I don't like the use of "untrod", "sinful", and "Compassion-hand". They just don't flow for me. Otherwise, I likey.