03-24-2011, 08:38 AM
Mal: You're writing is much more readable than I ever remember it being. It flows smoothly but the aliases you give to your character distract from the overall sequence of things at times. For instance you mention three of your characters titles in the first paragraph. If you use the titles sparsely I can see it benefiting you in the long run.
And the intervention by the chick. That threw me off too. It probably would have been great foreboding if you delivered with better timing and meaning.
There were some punctuation errors that also distracted me (mainly because you punctuate your aliases), but nothing I probably wouldn't have let slip through the cracks myself. Undoubtedly you're improving as a writer though. Celebrate that.
JD: Good read. I like the unique way you choose to present your character and the blend of action and in-character thoughts. Your second post wasn't as strong a follow up to the first as I'd expected. It was a good start, but as the fight gained depth something is lost in translation and I'm already getting ADD sitting here (could be you relying heavily on character personality, but). There seemed to be less description surrounding the action, but I'm carrying much of the merit on the quirkiness of your first post.
Vote goes to John Doe
And the intervention by the chick. That threw me off too. It probably would have been great foreboding if you delivered with better timing and meaning.
There were some punctuation errors that also distracted me (mainly because you punctuate your aliases), but nothing I probably wouldn't have let slip through the cracks myself. Undoubtedly you're improving as a writer though. Celebrate that.
JD: Good read. I like the unique way you choose to present your character and the blend of action and in-character thoughts. Your second post wasn't as strong a follow up to the first as I'd expected. It was a good start, but as the fight gained depth something is lost in translation and I'm already getting ADD sitting here (could be you relying heavily on character personality, but). There seemed to be less description surrounding the action, but I'm carrying much of the merit on the quirkiness of your first post.
Vote goes to John Doe