03-25-2011, 09:12 PM
Doe:
Well constructed, but hard to get into. You made less obvious mistakes in grammar and spelling than Mal did ( and even he didn't do it much ), but overall it felt very ... mechanical.
Who is John Doe? Why is he here? What does he care about? While his inner thoughts were often funny, I didn't feel like they were used as well as they could've been. Instead of getting into Doe's head, they for the most part they became just another place to put in expletives. Could've done without them, really. I just didn't feel like I connected with the character at all. I couldn't root for him because I don't know his motives. I was disinterested in his fate.
Mal:
You had more constructive problems than Doe. Weird capitalizations abound, and some sentences really need the speed bump of a comma or two. Something that applies to both you and Doe, and is something I seem to be saying a LOT in these C&Cs, is that you could stand to go through your posts with pruning shears. HOWEVER, I do like that most of your actions were not appended with overwrought descriptions. A punch should feel like a PUNCH - not occupy an entire paragraph. So good on that.
I've never really thought of, or read any, of your character at all before, but I was able to glean a lot from just these two posts. Why he's fighting, what that says about his feelings of responsibility, the existence of someone else in his life that he's lost, the suggestion of feelings of guilt... It was well done. I found myself rooting for Mal because he had a clear goal that wasn't the obvious 'gotta win just because.'
Verdict: Mal Nova. His mechanics arent 100%, but the purpose of fiction writing is to connect with the reader to tell a story, and I feel like Mal kicked John's ass in that respect.
Well constructed, but hard to get into. You made less obvious mistakes in grammar and spelling than Mal did ( and even he didn't do it much ), but overall it felt very ... mechanical.
Who is John Doe? Why is he here? What does he care about? While his inner thoughts were often funny, I didn't feel like they were used as well as they could've been. Instead of getting into Doe's head, they for the most part they became just another place to put in expletives. Could've done without them, really. I just didn't feel like I connected with the character at all. I couldn't root for him because I don't know his motives. I was disinterested in his fate.
Mal:
You had more constructive problems than Doe. Weird capitalizations abound, and some sentences really need the speed bump of a comma or two. Something that applies to both you and Doe, and is something I seem to be saying a LOT in these C&Cs, is that you could stand to go through your posts with pruning shears. HOWEVER, I do like that most of your actions were not appended with overwrought descriptions. A punch should feel like a PUNCH - not occupy an entire paragraph. So good on that.
I've never really thought of, or read any, of your character at all before, but I was able to glean a lot from just these two posts. Why he's fighting, what that says about his feelings of responsibility, the existence of someone else in his life that he's lost, the suggestion of feelings of guilt... It was well done. I found myself rooting for Mal because he had a clear goal that wasn't the obvious 'gotta win just because.'
Verdict: Mal Nova. His mechanics arent 100%, but the purpose of fiction writing is to connect with the reader to tell a story, and I feel like Mal kicked John's ass in that respect.
![[Image: Bellesig6-1.jpg]](http://i238.photobucket.com/albums/ff137/catseye543/Bellesig6-1.jpg)