04-05-2011, 09:47 PM
Belle: I enjoyed both of your posts in this round more than those in the previous round. Everything seemed more crisp and clear. There were a few grammatical errors that forced me to go back and read the sentence again, but not too many. Another problem I noticed is that some of your descriptions were awkward, for lack of a better word. There was nothing technically wrong with them, and it probably comes down to reader preference, but I remember thinking ‘meh’ as I read it. An example that demonstrates both problems I noticed:
“The warriors was already hurtling at Belle's landing site with full speed, one arm in front, forearm cocked across his body, ready to block, with the other at his side flattened like a spade.”
The warrior was already hurtling. I was confused at first because I thought you meant they were both hurtling towards Belle’s landing site, but then I thought, how could Belle be hurtling towards where he already was? He must mean Mal is hurtling, so the plural is incorrect. Not a big deal. Also the description ‘Belle’s landing site’ didn’t sit well with me. Hurtling towards Belle’s position, for instance, sounds better in my mind. But that’s not really a big deal.
Overall I enjoyed both of your posts. I like the character, I like your style, and I especially liked how you described and carried out Belle’s transformation into a Super Saiyan, and how you used the screens to have Belle see himself.
Mal: You are showing a lot of improvement. There are still some of the old problems with grammar and spelling, but they are less noticeable. The main problem I had with your RP was that a lot of the sentencing and descriptions were confusing, and sometimes you would use the same word twice in a sentence (a pet peeve of mine, I like vocab variance). For example:
“The Namek looked above and saw a blimp hosting highlights of his and his opponents highlights.”
Using highlights twice in the same sentence doesn’t read well, and opponents should be possessive since it is the opponent’s highlights. The description ‘blimp hosting highlights’ doesn’t really read too well. It would sound better if it said “saw a blimp displaying both his and his opponent’s highlights.” Or something.
Vote: Belle
“The warriors was already hurtling at Belle's landing site with full speed, one arm in front, forearm cocked across his body, ready to block, with the other at his side flattened like a spade.”
The warrior was already hurtling. I was confused at first because I thought you meant they were both hurtling towards Belle’s landing site, but then I thought, how could Belle be hurtling towards where he already was? He must mean Mal is hurtling, so the plural is incorrect. Not a big deal. Also the description ‘Belle’s landing site’ didn’t sit well with me. Hurtling towards Belle’s position, for instance, sounds better in my mind. But that’s not really a big deal.
Overall I enjoyed both of your posts. I like the character, I like your style, and I especially liked how you described and carried out Belle’s transformation into a Super Saiyan, and how you used the screens to have Belle see himself.
Mal: You are showing a lot of improvement. There are still some of the old problems with grammar and spelling, but they are less noticeable. The main problem I had with your RP was that a lot of the sentencing and descriptions were confusing, and sometimes you would use the same word twice in a sentence (a pet peeve of mine, I like vocab variance). For example:
“The Namek looked above and saw a blimp hosting highlights of his and his opponents highlights.”
Using highlights twice in the same sentence doesn’t read well, and opponents should be possessive since it is the opponent’s highlights. The description ‘blimp hosting highlights’ doesn’t really read too well. It would sound better if it said “saw a blimp displaying both his and his opponent’s highlights.” Or something.
Vote: Belle
![[Image: alext.jpg]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v234/waffuru/alext.jpg)