03-10-2005, 04:26 AM
I know I'm thirteen but this is what I know, I just looked at the dialouge mostly real close. I like the story, as usual.
In that part, you don't need the comma after Chris.
My personal feelings here are that you should combine the last two sentances because you are restating that he laughed, that's not needed, a semi-colon can be used well here.
There is one thing that could be changed slightly, this is nit-picky but I think that you should at least change it to:
?It?s closed tight, and we?d have to break this thing to get out,? he said with a hint of fear, ?maybe this was a stupid idea.? He joined the others as they looked around.
That's what I think because you don't need to make a short sentance in between the quotes, you can add it into one sentance, and I don't like the "He joined others and looked around" part, so I changed the and to as.
Its should be it's.
This can be made into one sentance with a comma after though. Only because it's is talking about the same subject here.
A couple things here. You can take out the "he said" part because you already stated he said it by breaking the silence. And also, you can take out the period before but and change it to a ,but instead. I learned this more recently in my writing class.
I feel like an ass for this one...but a comma should be after the first slowly.
All I can see right now. I enjoyed the story. Good work, these are just my opinions..I feel like an ass for some of them...
Hope you win ^_^
Quote:?I can do this on my own, you know.? he said with confidence to his friends, Chris, and Amanda.
In that part, you don't need the comma after Chris.
Quote:There is no such thing as ghosts.? He laughed shortly. Soon after he laughed the door shut hard behind them.
My personal feelings here are that you should combine the last two sentances because you are restating that he laughed, that's not needed, a semi-colon can be used well here.
Quote:?It?s closed tight, and we?d have to break this thing to get out.? He said with a hint of fear. ?Maybe this was a stupid idea.? He joined the others and they looked around.
There is one thing that could be changed slightly, this is nit-picky but I think that you should at least change it to:
?It?s closed tight, and we?d have to break this thing to get out,? he said with a hint of fear, ?maybe this was a stupid idea.? He joined the others as they looked around.
That's what I think because you don't need to make a short sentance in between the quotes, you can add it into one sentance, and I don't like the "He joined others and looked around" part, so I changed the and to as.
Quote:Amanda rubbed her hands together for warmth. ?I know its winter,
Its should be it's.
Quote:She said as wisps of vapor clouded out of her mouth. Her words were true, though. The whole inside of the house was coated in a thin layer of frost, like the inside of a freezer.
This can be made into one sentance with a comma after though. Only because it's is talking about the same subject here.
Quote:?Guys I really think we should just find a way out now.? He said and his voice seemed to even tremble. Joey rolled his eyes and turned to his friend. But what he saw would change his life forever.
A couple things here. You can take out the "he said" part because you already stated he said it by breaking the silence. And also, you can take out the period before but and change it to a ,but instead. I learned this more recently in my writing class.
Quote:Slowly Chris turned and looked up slowly to see the almost invisible
I feel like an ass for this one...but a comma should be after the first slowly.
All I can see right now. I enjoyed the story. Good work, these are just my opinions..I feel like an ass for some of them...
Hope you win ^_^
![[Image: Abel.jpg]](http://rebecca.florizone.com/sig/miscsig/Abel.jpg)