I was told to come here

[Bardock]

Okay, that's some progress. You also typed it up in Word or spellchecker I see. Now I'm going to do the same thing as I did above. Pay close attention, because these are repeat mistakes, as well as a new one.

Originally written by Krisien
Pissed off Roshi replies ?What were you expecting? Capsule Corp??

Revised by Bardock
Pissed off Roshi replied, ?What were you expecting? Capsule Corp??

We write all in past tense here. 'Replies' is present tense, while 'replied' is past tense. If it ends in a 'd' usually it is past tense. If you don't understand this, let me know. Also! You forgot the comma before the opening quotation mark. Whenever you have dialogue, you need a comma after the word before the opening quotation mark.

See where that arrow is pointing? Inside the circle is the spot where you need to put a comma: right after the word "replied" and before the ? symbol. Understand?

Originally written by Krisien
?Well no.? Replies Mr. Purple. ?I was expecting an island bigger than a store.

Revised by Bardock
?Well no,? replied Mr. Purple. ?I was expecting an island bigger than a store.?

Once more, "replies" is past tense, so it is changed to "replied" which is present tense. You also forgot an ending quotation mark after "store."

Originally written by Krisien
?Sorry about that? He said embarrassed. ? They live with me until they find a new home.

Revised by Bardock
?Sorry about that,? he said, embarrassed. ?They live with me until they find a new home.?

You needed a comma after the word "that" and before the closing quotation mark. "He" is not capitalized. And again, you left off the closing quotation mark after "home."

See where the arrows are pointing? You leave of the ? symbol at the end!

Originally written by Krisien
Disgruntled the master says ?Very well then, I will start you off with what I taught Goku. Go find me a girl.?

Revised by Bardock
Disgruntled the master said, ?Very well then, I will start you off with what I taught Goku. Go find me a girl.?

"Says" is present tense while "said" is past tense. Use "said" every time! You also need a comma after "said" and before the opening quotation mark!

Originally written by Krisien
?I?m off to find you a girl KameSennin?

Revised by Bardock
?I?m off to find you a girl KameSennin.?

You needed a period at the end of your dialogue. You left one off!

Originally written by Krisien
?Right. Lets get started.?

Revised by Bardock
?Right. Let?s get started.?

The way you used the underlined word meant you were trying to use it as the contraction "let us" so you needed an apostrophe. An apostophe is always used in contractions, like for the words "can't" (cannot), "don't" (do not), and so on.


Okay, those are a few grammatical and punctuational errors you have trouble with. Keep going with your roleplay, and try to fix them. When you can write without having too many, you can be accepted to join.

Something you should know, however, is that as of right now, we have a Cooler/Koola, so you won't be able to join as him. Odds are he won't open up anytime soon. You can keep roleplaying as Cooler if you'd like, but when you join, you'll need to pick a different character. And, even though the Cooler you write about has amnesia, you wouldn't be able to change his name. It's not allowed. You can refer to him as "Mr. Purple," or have him remember his name in a brief flashback, but nothing else. For instance:

Suggestion by Bardock
Mr. Purple, as his new master Kame-sennin now called him, worked his way slowly through the forest. He had to find the rock with the turtle hermit?s emblem on it. If he didn?t find it, he couldn?t go any farther in his training. Suddenly, without warning, Mr. Purple was struck by pain. A headache seized his brain, and the large man dropped to his knees. Blurred images flashed before his eyes, and he heard indistinct voices in his head.

?We?ll be arriving soon, Cooler.?

?There is a message for you, Cooler.?

?Cooler, what do we do??

Mr. Purple shook his head. The voices and images faded. His eyes opened wide. He realized they were memories?memories of his past!

?So?my name is?Cooler?? he said slowly.

See? He realized his name without revealing anything about his past.