See ehn See

[Tobias]

Dialog is your strong point, I really enjoyed that, but some description here or there on inflection would improve things. Describing the way a line is delivered can get cumbersome if overused but is almost a neccessity every once in a while.

Now, those ellipsis and the question mark... I don't know if you were just in a hurry or what, but I wouldn't do it again. A "blank stare" or "questioning look" would have served you better, as it stand those take you out of the experience. Speaking of out of the experience; that image, while awesome, breaks the mood. The point is to draw the reader into your world, and an image or standalone punctuation is counterproductive in that respect.

As for your descriptions, excellent. The only area I could tell you to improve on would be to not be so awesome all the time. 'Tis odd I know, and you aren't doing a bad job of juggling the styles, but when your that good I need to nit pick. I imagine reading that after awhile might get overloading. Sometimes a simple statement works.

It was thick and it sounded of thunder as it was dropped on the desktop.

Is an example. Its good, but the thunder part just seems superfluous after hearing your other descriptions. Pick and choose.

Zangya vs Garlic Junior

Hit me up.