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See ehn See

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See ehn See
Retane Offline
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Joined: Apr 2006
#38
05-14-2007, 05:27 AM
Fun, interesting and I liked it. The words worked together and I didn't need to look back on a post to figure out what was going on.

Two mistakes though.


Quote:Rad's eyes connected with Burter's, whose are was still extended, and his grin shifted ever so slightly -- how Raditzu did it wasn't something he could explain, but it was always very evident -- from one of layback excitement to a sneer of complete arrogance.

whose are was still? lost me there.

Second:
"Now now, there's no need for sarcasm," the saiyan said as he wagged a finger at Raditzu. "But seriously... how long has it been since you've done any real training?" Raditzu asked with a shake of his head. He made a point of looking Burter up and down.

Burter is a reptile, not a saiyan. Otgher then that I guess I ain't happy with the fact that you used wagged and shake in the same paragraph. Just seems you coulda had something more then just a plain convo their. Stuck out as bland in it all. But maybe you meant for it. I enjoyed it still.

9/10

Edit: [PS] Bar/Theatre/Arcade

Read both of them and let me know what you tihnk.
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Messages In This Thread
See ehn See - by Raditzu - 05-09-2007, 04:40 AM
See ehn See - by Raditzu - 05-09-2007, 04:41 AM
See ehn See - by Burter - 05-09-2007, 04:49 AM
See ehn See - by Olibu - 05-09-2007, 05:17 AM
See ehn See - by Bojack - 05-09-2007, 06:41 AM
See ehn See - by Burter - 05-09-2007, 06:49 AM
See ehn See - by Bojack - 05-09-2007, 06:51 AM
See ehn See - by Raditzu - 05-09-2007, 06:53 AM
See ehn See - by Android-18 - 05-09-2007, 06:53 AM
See ehn See - by Burter - 05-09-2007, 06:53 AM
See ehn See - by Reijin - 05-09-2007, 08:32 AM
See ehn See - by Grandpa Gohan - 05-09-2007, 10:17 PM
See ehn See - by Whompt - 05-10-2007, 12:41 AM
See ehn See - by Aero - 05-10-2007, 12:49 AM
See ehn See - by Bujin - 05-10-2007, 01:06 AM
See ehn See - by Old Zangya - 05-10-2007, 03:34 AM
See ehn See - by Old Zangya - 05-11-2007, 01:53 AM
See ehn See - by Kirano - 05-11-2007, 02:01 AM
See ehn See - by Raditzu - 05-11-2007, 02:02 AM
See ehn See - by Bujin - 05-11-2007, 02:03 AM
See ehn See - by Raditzu - 05-11-2007, 02:04 AM
See ehn See - by Bujin - 05-11-2007, 02:09 AM
See ehn See - by Old Zangya - 05-11-2007, 02:51 AM
See ehn See - by Burter - 05-11-2007, 02:56 AM
See ehn See - by Old Zangya - 05-11-2007, 02:58 AM
See ehn See - by Burter - 05-11-2007, 03:01 AM
See ehn See - by Old Zangya - 05-11-2007, 03:05 AM
See ehn See - by Aero - 05-11-2007, 12:42 PM
See ehn See - by Minoshia - 05-12-2007, 02:31 PM
See ehn See - by King Cold444 - 05-12-2007, 03:43 PM
See ehn See - by Retane - 05-13-2007, 05:10 AM
See ehn See - by Bra - 05-13-2007, 11:20 PM
See ehn See - by Bojack - 05-13-2007, 11:30 PM
See ehn See - by Old Zangya - 05-13-2007, 11:39 PM
See ehn See - by Bojack - 05-13-2007, 11:49 PM
See ehn See - by Tobias - 05-14-2007, 03:46 AM
See ehn See - by Raditzu - 05-14-2007, 04:57 AM
See ehn See - by Retane - 05-14-2007, 05:27 AM
See ehn See - by Old Zangya - 05-15-2007, 08:52 PM
See ehn See - by Retane - 05-16-2007, 02:11 AM
See ehn See - by Raditzu - 05-16-2007, 05:39 AM
See ehn See - by Burter - 05-16-2007, 05:42 AM
See ehn See - by Raditzu - 05-16-2007, 05:43 AM
See ehn See - by Burter - 05-16-2007, 05:47 AM
See ehn See - by Burter - 05-16-2007, 05:59 AM
See ehn See - by Raditzu - 05-16-2007, 06:03 AM
See ehn See - by OldSpice - 05-17-2007, 12:05 AM
See ehn See - by Burter - 05-17-2007, 12:15 AM
See ehn See - by Retane - 05-17-2007, 01:04 AM
See ehn See - by Burter - 05-17-2007, 01:06 AM
See ehn See - by Retane - 05-17-2007, 01:20 AM
See ehn See - by Burter - 05-17-2007, 01:31 AM
See ehn See - by Retane - 05-17-2007, 01:36 AM
See ehn See - by OldSpice - 05-17-2007, 02:22 AM
See ehn See - by Old Zangya - 05-17-2007, 02:47 AM
See ehn See - by OldSpice - 05-17-2007, 02:51 AM
See ehn See - by Burter - 05-17-2007, 02:57 AM
See ehn See - by Nappa - 05-17-2007, 03:16 AM
See ehn See - by Deo - 05-22-2007, 02:10 AM
See ehn See - by Jeice - 05-22-2007, 02:26 AM
See ehn See - by Tapion - 05-22-2007, 03:12 AM
See ehn See - by Yamu - 05-22-2007, 02:15 PM
See ehn See - by Deo - 05-22-2007, 11:17 PM
See ehn See - by Aero - 05-23-2007, 12:15 AM
See ehn See - by Deo - 05-23-2007, 12:17 AM
See ehn See - by Jeice - 05-23-2007, 12:29 AM
See ehn See - by Nappa - 05-23-2007, 02:19 AM
See ehn See - by Jeice - 05-23-2007, 02:23 AM
See ehn See - by Android-18 - 05-23-2007, 06:23 AM
See ehn See - by Deo - 05-23-2007, 11:16 PM
See ehn See - by Minoshia - 05-24-2007, 01:00 AM
See ehn See - by Bujin - 05-24-2007, 01:15 AM
See ehn See - by Retane - 05-24-2007, 02:14 AM
See ehn See - by Aero - 05-24-2007, 12:32 PM
See ehn See - by Celipa - 05-24-2007, 11:34 PM
See ehn See - by Retane - 05-24-2007, 11:37 PM
See ehn See - by Aero - 05-25-2007, 12:46 AM
See ehn See - by Retane - 05-25-2007, 12:47 AM
See ehn See - by Super Buu - 05-25-2007, 01:37 AM
See ehn See - by Bra - 05-25-2007, 01:38 AM
See ehn See - by Old Zangya - 05-25-2007, 01:39 AM
See ehn See - by Super Buu - 05-25-2007, 01:43 AM
See ehn See - by Bra - 05-25-2007, 01:43 AM
See ehn See - by Old Zangya - 05-25-2007, 01:46 AM
See ehn See - by Old Zangya - 05-25-2007, 01:55 AM
See ehn See - by Bujin - 05-25-2007, 02:02 AM
See ehn See - by Jinpo - 05-25-2007, 02:03 AM
See ehn See - by Retane - 05-25-2007, 02:09 AM
See ehn See - by Bujin - 05-25-2007, 02:10 AM
See ehn See - by Retane - 05-25-2007, 02:11 AM
See ehn See - by Jinpo - 05-25-2007, 02:15 AM
See ehn See - by Retane - 05-25-2007, 02:16 AM
See ehn See - by Nori - 05-25-2007, 02:21 AM
See ehn See - by Orion - 05-25-2007, 03:10 AM
See ehn See - by Retane - 05-25-2007, 03:13 AM
See ehn See - by Jinpo - 05-25-2007, 04:24 AM
See ehn See - by Orion - 05-25-2007, 04:29 AM
See ehn See - by OldPikkon - 05-25-2007, 04:57 AM
See ehn See - by Super Buu - 05-25-2007, 12:29 PM
See ehn See - by Orion - 05-25-2007, 01:07 PM
See ehn See - by Super Buu - 05-25-2007, 01:14 PM
See ehn See - by Raditzu - 05-25-2007, 06:24 PM
See ehn See - by Vegeta - 05-25-2007, 08:35 PM
See ehn See - by Old Zangya - 05-25-2007, 08:46 PM
See ehn See - by Old Zangya - 05-25-2007, 08:53 PM
See ehn See - by Aero - 05-25-2007, 11:02 PM
See ehn See - by Raditzu - 05-25-2007, 11:07 PM
See ehn See - by Yajirobe - 05-25-2007, 11:22 PM
See ehn See - by Old Zangya - 05-25-2007, 11:23 PM
See ehn See - by Bardock - 05-25-2007, 11:23 PM
See ehn See - by Aero - 05-25-2007, 11:33 PM
See ehn See - by Retane - 05-26-2007, 02:39 AM
See ehn See - by Jinpo - 05-26-2007, 02:43 AM
See ehn See - by Retane - 05-26-2007, 02:48 AM
See ehn See - by Android 17 - 05-26-2007, 02:59 AM
See ehn See - by Jinpo - 05-26-2007, 03:00 AM
See ehn See - by Retane - 05-26-2007, 03:02 AM
See ehn See - by Android 17 - 05-26-2007, 03:12 AM
See ehn See - by OldSpice - 05-26-2007, 08:33 AM
See ehn See - by Android 17 - 05-26-2007, 08:39 AM
See ehn See - by Old Zangya - 05-26-2007, 12:06 PM
See ehn See - by Jinpo - 05-26-2007, 12:41 PM
See ehn See - by Aero - 05-26-2007, 01:10 PM
See ehn See - by Deo - 05-26-2007, 01:14 PM
See ehn See - by Aero - 05-26-2007, 01:22 PM
See ehn See - by Orion - 05-26-2007, 02:24 PM
See ehn See - by Nappa - 05-26-2007, 02:28 PM
See ehn See - by Burter - 05-26-2007, 02:33 PM
See ehn See - by Retane - 05-26-2007, 03:52 PM
See ehn See - by Deo - 05-26-2007, 04:09 PM
See ehn See - by Retane - 05-26-2007, 04:13 PM
See ehn See - by Android 17 - 05-26-2007, 05:49 PM
See ehn See - by OldSpice - 05-26-2007, 07:21 PM
See ehn See - by Super Buu - 05-26-2007, 11:05 PM
See ehn See - by Minoshia - 05-27-2007, 01:04 AM
See ehn See - by Paragus - 05-27-2007, 01:07 AM
See ehn See - by Android 17 - 05-27-2007, 01:30 AM
See ehn See - by Minoshia - 05-27-2007, 01:37 AM
See ehn See - by Retane - 05-27-2007, 04:16 AM
See ehn See - by Android 17 - 05-27-2007, 07:01 PM
See ehn See - by Jinpo - 05-27-2007, 10:22 PM
See ehn See - by Aero - 05-27-2007, 10:26 PM
See ehn See - by Retane - 05-28-2007, 04:39 AM
See ehn See - by Aero - 05-28-2007, 10:23 PM
See ehn See - by Yamu - 05-28-2007, 10:25 PM
See ehn See - by Super Buu - 05-28-2007, 10:33 PM
See ehn See - by Aero - 05-28-2007, 10:34 PM
See ehn See - by Aero - 05-28-2007, 10:40 PM
See ehn See - by Raditzu - 05-28-2007, 10:45 PM
See ehn See - by Aero - 05-28-2007, 10:56 PM
See ehn See - by Retane - 05-28-2007, 11:02 PM
See ehn See - by Bujin - 05-28-2007, 11:03 PM
See ehn See - by Aero - 05-29-2007, 12:48 PM
See ehn See - by Aero - 05-29-2007, 12:50 PM
See ehn See - by Retane - 05-30-2007, 12:58 AM
See ehn See - by Aero - 05-30-2007, 01:05 AM
See ehn See - by Retane - 05-30-2007, 03:06 AM
See ehn See - by Vegeta - 05-30-2007, 03:10 AM
See ehn See - by Retane - 05-30-2007, 03:22 AM
See ehn See - by Jinpo - 05-30-2007, 03:41 AM
See ehn See - by Saz - 05-31-2007, 12:28 AM
See ehn See - by Mowgli - 05-31-2007, 07:17 AM
See ehn See - by Aero - 05-31-2007, 12:44 PM
See ehn See - by Bujin - 05-31-2007, 08:53 PM
See ehn See - by Aero - 05-31-2007, 09:00 PM
See ehn See - by Celipa - 06-01-2007, 12:58 AM
See ehn See - by Retane - 06-01-2007, 01:05 AM
See ehn See - by Celipa - 06-01-2007, 01:11 AM
See ehn See - by Aero - 06-01-2007, 01:22 AM
See ehn See - by Celipa - 06-01-2007, 01:27 AM
See ehn See - by Deo - 06-01-2007, 01:28 AM
See ehn See - by Retane - 06-01-2007, 02:24 AM
See ehn See - by Burter - 06-01-2007, 02:26 AM
See ehn See - by Retane - 06-01-2007, 02:40 AM
See ehn See - by Deo - 06-01-2007, 02:41 AM
See ehn See - by Aero - 06-01-2007, 06:50 PM
See ehn See - by Aero - 06-01-2007, 10:01 PM
See ehn See - by Retane - 06-01-2007, 11:20 PM
See ehn See - by Jinpo - 06-02-2007, 12:45 AM
See ehn See - by Android 17 - 06-02-2007, 01:56 AM
See ehn See - by Retane - 06-02-2007, 03:07 AM
See ehn See - by Raditzu - 06-04-2007, 03:22 AM
See ehn See - by Retane - 06-04-2007, 03:34 AM
See ehn See - by Jinpo - 06-04-2007, 03:37 AM
See ehn See - by Burter - 06-04-2007, 03:40 AM
See ehn See - by Retane - 06-04-2007, 03:41 AM
See ehn See - by Jinpo - 06-04-2007, 12:13 PM
See ehn See - by Raditzu - 06-07-2007, 08:20 PM
See ehn See - by Deo - 06-07-2007, 11:27 PM
See ehn See - by Android 17 - 06-07-2007, 11:43 PM
See ehn See - by Jinpo - 06-09-2007, 03:46 AM
See ehn See - by Android 17 - 06-10-2007, 01:58 AM
See ehn See - by Bra - 06-10-2007, 02:35 AM

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