See ehn See

[Deo]

Originally posted by Jeice
I do I do!

Yamu vs Jeice

..you son of a bitch. I wanted to do that D<

Originally posted by Yamu
Yamu vs. Jeice 2

Jeice could now tell he could not match Yamu blow for blow, the black eyed titan was just too much stronger,

The 'too much stronger' part caught my eye right away. Aside from that, the intro sentence made me feel more like I was coming back from a commercial break then getting ready for a new round of a match. Not a big nit pick, mind you.

I think your biggest issue is over description.

Yamu?s feet hustled across the training mat as he clutched his abdomen with both hands. He had begun to think the friendly bout was going to be a cake walk, but the white haired fighter had surprised him?something not easily done. The vein covered juggernaut approached more cautiously this time, his arms crisscrossed across his chest, palms open and slightly curved, in a signature defensive style.

That felt a bit redundant, and was a mouthful to read. I think just saying 'he' or 'Yamu' would have been much better.

You do that same thing a couple more times when describing either fighter, and it feels like a bit of a stretch not to be repetitive with your descriptives. There were a few run on sentences that made me stop and have to re-read what was going on to get a grip on it, mostly in the paragraph where Yamu was fighting off the Kamehameha.

I would have enjoyed more reflection on the actual physical feelings the two fighters had as opposed to just commenting on how they were sweating, breathing, etc. On top of that, I felt you had Yamu recover from the mental assault too easily, as I know if someone has a brain freeze even, they take at least a few minutes to fully recover. Yamu sort of shrugged off what you described as the mental equivalent to a Reijin backhand with little to no after effects.

The post fight wasn't bad either. I enjoyed the nostalgic bar scene and the mug smashing. Made me think of drunk vikings, but I think they traded straight text too long. You could have added some action qualifiers and descriptives between the last few trades of speech that I think would have added a better effect to the post.

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