05-23-2007, 11:16 PM
Burter stuck his size twelve up my butt for that last night. The chunky paragraphs, I mean.
Haha. Pee. XP That was a good hook to get my attention, and it worked.
You used a bit of indirect sex appeal, referencing thighs, and panties. Yeah, it wasn't 'heaving breast' or the like, but come on. XD On a board of teenage men, that clearly is a hook, even if it's not meant to be.
On top of that, you managed to keep her personality flighty, cute and innocent. A pretty harsh contrast to the original 18, which isn't a bad thing, as it's how you've always done it, and you've done it well. Unlike most of the power house characters, I never see 18 as shallow and rigid as far as character development and range of emotions goes. The fact she was getting into a mental battle with a seagull was chuckle worthy, and you placed it intermittently through your post. Kept me thinking about it, unlike most people who post about some such thing once and never touch base on it again.
You didn't focus on one motion she did and over describe it, instead posting about several actions she did in relation to one pose. Always a good move in my book.
There wasn't too much progression, but considering it was DA, you can't be blamed for that. I do however wonder why you didn't have 18 hearing Jak...guy talking.
Over all, it was a pretty good intro post and it amused me.
Day One: Early Morning
Quote:Originally posted by Android-18
Day One: Early Morning
Haha. Pee. XP That was a good hook to get my attention, and it worked.
You used a bit of indirect sex appeal, referencing thighs, and panties. Yeah, it wasn't 'heaving breast' or the like, but come on. XD On a board of teenage men, that clearly is a hook, even if it's not meant to be.
On top of that, you managed to keep her personality flighty, cute and innocent. A pretty harsh contrast to the original 18, which isn't a bad thing, as it's how you've always done it, and you've done it well. Unlike most of the power house characters, I never see 18 as shallow and rigid as far as character development and range of emotions goes. The fact she was getting into a mental battle with a seagull was chuckle worthy, and you placed it intermittently through your post. Kept me thinking about it, unlike most people who post about some such thing once and never touch base on it again.
You didn't focus on one motion she did and over describe it, instead posting about several actions she did in relation to one pose. Always a good move in my book.
There wasn't too much progression, but considering it was DA, you can't be blamed for that. I do however wonder why you didn't have 18 hearing Jak...guy talking.
Over all, it was a pretty good intro post and it amused me.
Day One: Early Morning
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.
![[Image: Deo.jpg]](http://frozendust.com/sig/miscsig/Deo.jpg)
If I tell you I'm good, you would probably think I'm boasting, If I tell you I'm no good, You know I'm lying.