03-30-2006, 08:51 AM
You should spend a little time to write these in Word, and just copy/paste them into the post box. It would eliminate a lot of your small errors, such as spelling. A fine example of this is your peculiar way of spelling "going" (goning).
"Tiger" isn't capitalized ever, unless it's at the beginning of a sentence or a formal name (i.e., the animal's name, not just species, is "Tiger"), in which case you wouldn't have the word "the" in front of it.
Plotwise, honestly, the first post didn't really pull me in. I was kind of bored. Understandable, because you have to build on the first post, and it's difficult to make it interesting right away. My interest was slightly piqued at the idea of your two characters eating squirrel, which doesn't have a lot of meat at all, and who would want to hunt squirrel anyway? They're like pets or something. I was slightly disappointed that your motivation for Spiritken was revenge, but that's your perogative, so go ahead and run with it. Just...try to give him something else to do besides that, okay?
You really caught my attention when Silver engaged Roshec, especially when you revealed that Silver (my interpretation, anyway) has a prejudice against androids. While it's pretty easy to have bigotry towards a specific race, it at least shows character depth. Now I want to see exactly why Silver doesn't like them. Maybe I'll find out if I keep reading, I think. So, you've given incentive for me to read more. Keep pushing for that depth. Reveal different angles about him. Make him truly human!
Wrong one. That word is possessive; the contraction "you're" (you are) is the one you're looking for.
While the ending between Silver and Cara was kind of a nice touch, I felt like it lacked the emotion it deserved. Sure, his heart was pounding. Any guy (don't care who you are) will feel that physically, but what was he thinking? I'd like to see that moment revisited somehow!
Overall, your roleplays were interesting enough to hold my attention for more than five seconds, but I feel there is a lot you can do with it. Keep working at it.
Quote:Originally posted by Silver
Slowly, Silver approched the wounded Tiger but it would not let the human near it.
"Tiger" isn't capitalized ever, unless it's at the beginning of a sentence or a formal name (i.e., the animal's name, not just species, is "Tiger"), in which case you wouldn't have the word "the" in front of it.
Plotwise, honestly, the first post didn't really pull me in. I was kind of bored. Understandable, because you have to build on the first post, and it's difficult to make it interesting right away. My interest was slightly piqued at the idea of your two characters eating squirrel, which doesn't have a lot of meat at all, and who would want to hunt squirrel anyway? They're like pets or something. I was slightly disappointed that your motivation for Spiritken was revenge, but that's your perogative, so go ahead and run with it. Just...try to give him something else to do besides that, okay?
You really caught my attention when Silver engaged Roshec, especially when you revealed that Silver (my interpretation, anyway) has a prejudice against androids. While it's pretty easy to have bigotry towards a specific race, it at least shows character depth. Now I want to see exactly why Silver doesn't like them. Maybe I'll find out if I keep reading, I think. So, you've given incentive for me to read more. Keep pushing for that depth. Reveal different angles about him. Make him truly human!
Quote:Originally posted by Silver
Your gonna die here and I'll be the one to finish it.
Wrong one. That word is possessive; the contraction "you're" (you are) is the one you're looking for.
While the ending between Silver and Cara was kind of a nice touch, I felt like it lacked the emotion it deserved. Sure, his heart was pounding. Any guy (don't care who you are) will feel that physically, but what was he thinking? I'd like to see that moment revisited somehow!
Overall, your roleplays were interesting enough to hold my attention for more than five seconds, but I feel there is a lot you can do with it. Keep working at it.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
_=So wake me when it's through
I don't want to feel the things that you do
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I just don't want this dream, wake me up inside=_
I don't want to feel the things that you do
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I just don't want this dream, wake me up inside=_