03-30-2006, 09:18 AM
You were doing really well in the first three paragraphs. I was very impressed, until I caught you slipping intp first person writing, which I personally frown upon, and is generally frowned upon in Chubbs. It's not consistent; you go in and out, but it is there.
After this point, you fall heavily into first person. Stop it!
Other than that, your persona is made perfectly clear, especially when you point out a random crowd person as being "some lard-ass." The Choujis of this world seem to be down-trodden, but it is a personal touch none-the-less. Later, you also include the lovely phrase "blowing chunks" as replacement for vomiting. You throw out names around with reckless abandon. I like your straight-up writing.
It was somewhat interesting that you threw that nasty Bacterian in there. Since Blue clearly has a nose, he'll have a more difficult time defeating him. The fight itself was pretty easy to follow, and original enough to not be a turn-off, until you injected the oh-so-corny phrase "our hero." Not only does that blatantly make you narrator instead of writer, but I couldn't help but laugh out loud at that campy line.
Don't get me wrong--you're good and I can see some serious talent, but I cannot stress enough that you need to write in third person. It's irritating when you seem like a narrator.
Quote:Originally written by Blue
Wincing, Blue forces himself away from those painful memories[<-- first person], [third person -->]the faces of those that had died that day. Now, a shadow of his former self, the charismatic leader couldn?t even find work with his past haunting him. With no where else to turn, he turned to street fighting. Enticing paying challengers with a free first blow, he?d made a killing.
Such work only lasts so long though, and now Blue found himself at another dead end. This is why he was living with this woman, not for love or lust, but out of necessity [<-- third person]. [first person -->]Wiping the grime of her lipstick from his lips, he moves into the bathroom as she leaves.
After this point, you fall heavily into first person. Stop it!
Other than that, your persona is made perfectly clear, especially when you point out a random crowd person as being "some lard-ass." The Choujis of this world seem to be down-trodden, but it is a personal touch none-the-less. Later, you also include the lovely phrase "blowing chunks" as replacement for vomiting. You throw out names around with reckless abandon. I like your straight-up writing.
It was somewhat interesting that you threw that nasty Bacterian in there. Since Blue clearly has a nose, he'll have a more difficult time defeating him. The fight itself was pretty easy to follow, and original enough to not be a turn-off, until you injected the oh-so-corny phrase "our hero." Not only does that blatantly make you narrator instead of writer, but I couldn't help but laugh out loud at that campy line.
Don't get me wrong--you're good and I can see some serious talent, but I cannot stress enough that you need to write in third person. It's irritating when you seem like a narrator.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
_=So wake me when it's through
I don't want to feel the things that you do
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I just don't want this dream, wake me up inside=_
I don't want to feel the things that you do
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I just don't want this dream, wake me up inside=_