See ehn See

[Raditzu]

Originally posted by Koola
Link.

The picture you paint of Cold and Coola is great. I would never imagine Coola acting all chummy with his father, but the way you write it makes it sound very natural. Moreover, you paint this picture with scenes that are familiar to everyone: walking side-by-side, joking back and forth, small quips. Those are all things that people can relate to in one way or another.

The emotional back-and-forth that Coola goes through is also great. The "logical paradox" from which Coola suffers is simple enough to be believable, but still complex enough that it doesn't come off as cheesy or cliche. I think that, between this mental struggle and the physical interplay between Coola and Cold, you have a whole lot to work with.

The weakest point of your post was sentence structure, I think. A fairly minor point, but something I think is worth mention. You have a few sentences that tended to run too long; they got to the point that it was just awkward to read them, otherwise it wouldn't be a problem. There are also several fragments, but its quite obvious that they were intentionally written that way, and it doesn't actually make your RP suffer.

Other than that, good word choice, good descriptions, and great use of dialouge. A very solid roleplay.

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If someone would be so kind:

Day One: Morning

My first post on the second page. While I'll always take generic feedback of any kind, I'm particularly interested in whether or not these little flashback sequences are working. If its just boring and no one cares I might have to rethink that angle.