See ehn See

[Android 17]

Originally posted by Cargo

Originally posted by Cargo
Retane couldn't have said it better. But I felt it was a teensy bit repetitive.

Ok. Since Retane didn't post a link, I will.

Day One: Afternoon

EDIT: Oh, now you post it . . .

Don't skip me!

The first thing I'll say is that the fact that almost the entire post is a flashback/dream was a bit deterring to me. I mean, I understood why it's there (mainly from what you told me via AIM house ago), but it just seemed like you were trying to just randomly pass the time. Instead of just having Cargo randomly become lost in his dreams, you should waited until you got into a confrontation and then used the emotions from that post (which seem, based on what I read, Cargo's fight against his darkness) until afterwards. That would have made it more interesting and strong in my opinion.

Don't get me wrong, though, I enjoyed the post. I've seen that identical ploy (fighting one's dark self...hell, I did it at least twice in Friend or Foe 2) done before, but that didn't deter me. Your mechanics and grammar seemed without any major flaws. Keep up the good work, and I'd recommend that you find someone to scuffle with. Even if you don't kill them, it should help you build upon those negative emotions you seem to be trying to foster within Cargo.

I hope that I read your roleplay correctly and didn't misinterpret anything. Good luck, and if you need any more advice or help or something, feel free to hit me up on AIM or something.