See ehn See

[Raditzu]

Originally posted by Android 17
Oh and here's my request: Day Three: Morning

You're writing, in and of itself, is as good as most people have come to expect from you. Word choice, flow, conventions, grammar, all of that stuff is dead on.

What I wa surprised about, was the uncharacteristic inconsistencies of your post. It feels like you're trying to do a lot of things at once, and they don't all click together the way I think you wanted them to.

The first thing that caught me was the initally dialouge of 17 talking to himself.

Originally posted by Android 17
?Get the fuck up, maggot,? the android pleaded to himself

That's not really how most people plea. Its clear what you were trying to do, but the execution came off a bit awkward. In the fourth paragraph you have a few lines of dialouge; though it takes a bit of time to read them, 17 would have actually said them in fairly quick succession. These are the lines:

Originally posted by Android 17
?I don?t want to die,?
?God damn it,?
?I should have just skedaddled on out of there.?

That's a pretty good example of what I meant about being inconsistent. Laying there, thinking you're going to die and practically in tears about it, the first two lines make perfect sense. That last one... well... felt weird to me.

That's all I had for specific examples, but there were a couple other things I wanted to mention. The first one was this whole "that's what I get for teaming with someone" thing. You seem to have set up this dichotomy in 17's mind between getting a hole punched through him and going with someone else. And then 17 goes through great lengths to pull himself to someone else and make sure they're ok. I get the whole friendly backstory between 17 and SB, but 17 didn't seem to be making the disctinction to himself. It just came off as a bit contradictory when you think about it for a second.

The other thing I wanted to touch on were the emotions. Its obvious, throughout the post, that 17 is going through a lot, but its not really obvious why he's being thrown through all of these emotions at once. Is this the first time he's been in this kind of pain? Is he really concerned about dying? Does he still think of this as just a game that he can fun with? The emotions themselves run the gamut from anger to sadness to concern to desperation to unknown (at the end) and it feels like too much in too short a space.

Like I said in the beginning, the writing was great in the post, and there was a ton of emotion, but I think this is a case where you could have gotten a whole lot from taking the one larger post and developing the themes within it throughout two or three smaller posts. Of course, I certainly understand being busy and having to work with the time you have.

Anyway, I hope you found that helpful. I was trying to be a bit more critical than I usually would be, but that's because I hold you to a higher standard in my mind.

If someone would be so kind:

Day Three: Evening