See ehn See

[Jinpo]

Originally posted by Raditzu
If someone would be so kind:

Day Three: Evening

Like Retane said, it was a pretty good post. I'll try to give you a little more in depth C&C. First off, I really like your writing style. It is comical, but serious when it needs to be. But, I'll go through some of the things that I noticed. Grammar wise, most things were ok other than an occasional lapse (i.e. the lack of an apostrophe in the first setence of the first long paragraph or the wrong usage of "surprised" at the end). But, that is really just nitpicking and doesn't take away from the quality of the post. Also, I really didn't get why the doll became an animate object. In my opinion, you didn't make that clear enough. Hallucinating from the pain? The hunger? The only other thing I can really say is just proofread. Now, something's in your post are different than what I would do, sentence structure and composition wise, but your way seems to work great for you. Continue on with it. Great post.

Originally posted by Cargo
No link.

So . . . Day Three: Evening

EDIT: Oh, I don't think I explained well enough why Cargo wants to fight Retane now. It is, again, because of emotions. Cargo wants to see which is stronger, someone fueled by anger or a callous fighter. If you got any of that from the post, awesome, but I don't think you will.