See ehn See

[Raditzu]

I liked the dark tone of your writing. I think you got down the gruesomeness of Cargo's beating a dead horse, so to speak. What didn't really work for me was the humor that you tossed in. Most of your post carries a darker and more serious tone, but the humor doesn't really follow. The AIDS bit and the gay fighters line were both funny, but were kind of jarring when sprinkled through the violence/seriousness. Might just have been me, though. If other people are telling you it works, and you like that style, then stick with it.

I don't really know a lot about your character. It seemed like there were some assumptions to be made about your character that I didn't have the background knowledge to make. The random gruesomeness caught me off-guard, but that was easy enough to go along with. The little flashback sequence also seemed a little random, as I don't know if that's something that Cargo is prone to, or if its the result of a DA injury, or what. Also fairly easily to go along with. I generally give people the benefit of the doubt when I don't have a lot of prior knowledge about their character or their writing style.

Aside from that, I thought you had very solid descriptions. You utilized a great vocabulary and choose words that allowed sentence fluency to stay natural and easy-to-follow. There were a couple of fragments in there, but that's a minor comment.

On the whole, those are pretty minor criticisms. That was a very solid post.

---------------------------------------

For me:

Day Four: Evening