See ehn See

[Android 17]

Interesting post, Kollifum. While I wasn't familiar enough with your character's family to understand the meaning of your flashback, it was nevertheless a great block of writing. Aside from my confusion about your character's family, the memory/dream served to get me interested in knowing why Kollifum is apparently so infuriated with his father and younger sister.

I also enjoyed the block of writing after the conclusion of the dream. I could easily picture your character going through all that, although I did get a bit confused with the whole mechanical bits in your heart. I didn't know whether or not you were trying to say that the shotgun shrapnel was still embedded in there or if Kollifum always had mechanical implements in his body.

Your character's analysis of the attendant and the game itself seemed like the standard analysis one gives when leaving Dante's Abyss, so I can't really remark on the last paragraph or so.

All in all, I really enjoyed your word choice and style; however, you did have what seemed to be fragments every here and there, although I figured that was probably just there for artistic/narrative purpose. At points, it seemed like you were stumbling into present tense as well (although it's quite possible that I just read something awkwardly). In the end, it came off as great writing, although I did find myself hard pressed as to whether or not I like your character (if you understand what I mean). That just ties into my lack of his background knowledge, so I won't hold anything against ya.

I hope that helps you.

Here's mine. As an 'FYI' for anyone reading who hasn't been following either the game or my character in the game: Seventeen is malfunctioning. He's seeing things and quite insane at the moment because of it, albeit a calm, askew insanity. So if things come off as bizarre, ridiculous, and nonsensical, then that's why =P -> Day Four: Evening