05-18-2006, 08:17 AM
Did the post flow well?
From what I've observed of you both in and out of character, you're a smart guy who knows a lot of stuff, or at least manages to leave that impression. The one thing that disrupted the flow for me was the paragraph explaining the whole camera/picture thing took my focus away from the material. Splitting focus can be a tool and an asset when you want to lead the reader in a different direction, and then hit them with the backburner. I understand that you integrated that knowledge later in the post, but I think you could have worked the information in a little better than a flat-out explanation. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy learning from you, and I have an interest in hearing what you have to say (even if it is random at times), but in this case it detracted from the point. Fine line between education and entertainment. Other than that, I liked the time hops. It displayed how your character actually affected the rest of the world, whereas a lot of time consequences of actions (be they good or bad) are not ever elaborated upon because there's a lot of tunnel vision. It was pretty weird and depressing about poor Boris, however.
Was the word choice constructive or destructive?
You do have a more sophisticated way of articulating yourself than others, but fortunately you also are able to balance that out by still playing to your audience most of the time. In general people tend to feel more comfortable with a level of dialect that is close to their own, so you should keep that in mind in your writing. You are constantly going from complex, description sentences and then switch it up with very simply worded ones that get the point across. Constructive.
Were there any places of failed humor?
The Polodak thing was kind of a running gag, and it was funny to me how Krillin obsessed over it and later the fall-out was why Boris killed himself. Morbid, morbid joke, but very well executed. Some of your expressions, and I don't know if they were intended to be humorous on not, were kind of lost on me, so I didn't really know how to take it. "...annoyed the urine right out of him..." was one of them. Those kinds of sentences reflect personal style, and can be taken as funny or just part of the story. The title "The Odd Couple" said it all. I found it amusing purely by the interaction of the two characters.
That's just my opinion, and for DA, it ain't me you gotta impress.
From what I've observed of you both in and out of character, you're a smart guy who knows a lot of stuff, or at least manages to leave that impression. The one thing that disrupted the flow for me was the paragraph explaining the whole camera/picture thing took my focus away from the material. Splitting focus can be a tool and an asset when you want to lead the reader in a different direction, and then hit them with the backburner. I understand that you integrated that knowledge later in the post, but I think you could have worked the information in a little better than a flat-out explanation. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy learning from you, and I have an interest in hearing what you have to say (even if it is random at times), but in this case it detracted from the point. Fine line between education and entertainment. Other than that, I liked the time hops. It displayed how your character actually affected the rest of the world, whereas a lot of time consequences of actions (be they good or bad) are not ever elaborated upon because there's a lot of tunnel vision. It was pretty weird and depressing about poor Boris, however.
Was the word choice constructive or destructive?
You do have a more sophisticated way of articulating yourself than others, but fortunately you also are able to balance that out by still playing to your audience most of the time. In general people tend to feel more comfortable with a level of dialect that is close to their own, so you should keep that in mind in your writing. You are constantly going from complex, description sentences and then switch it up with very simply worded ones that get the point across. Constructive.
Were there any places of failed humor?
The Polodak thing was kind of a running gag, and it was funny to me how Krillin obsessed over it and later the fall-out was why Boris killed himself. Morbid, morbid joke, but very well executed. Some of your expressions, and I don't know if they were intended to be humorous on not, were kind of lost on me, so I didn't really know how to take it. "...annoyed the urine right out of him..." was one of them. Those kinds of sentences reflect personal style, and can be taken as funny or just part of the story. The title "The Odd Couple" said it all. I found it amusing purely by the interaction of the two characters.
That's just my opinion, and for DA, it ain't me you gotta impress.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
_=So wake me when it's through
I don't want to feel the things that you do
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I just don't want this dream, wake me up inside=_
I don't want to feel the things that you do
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I just don't want this dream, wake me up inside=_