C & C on some writing.

[Jewtastic]

Originally posted by Cargo

If I my greatest desire at the time was a half-sausage, half-pepperoni, no sauce, deep dish pizza, I?d make one appear.

I'm pretty sure you want to get rid of the I there.

Originally posted by Cargo
I coasted through life using my magic powers to make things easy for me, not that I couldn?t have gotten by on my massive intelligence. This just seemed more interesting, and I was making six figures. Not a bad way to live.

I know why you added the period there, it would be a run on sentence if you didn't, however I don't feel you finished the thought. You might want to go back and re-work that for the simple fact that I feel, and while I am not an expert on the
subject I hope someone else can back me up on it, the period shouldn't be there.

Originally posted by Cargo
During one of my wildly successful shows, I acted on impulse. Now, normally, people?s thoughts and concerns don?t matter to me, however, today was a good day; the slightly taller and more muscular Hugh had proposed earlier.

What did he propose? It went straight from that to you asking the audience, confused me a little.

Originally posted by Cargo
I also possessed the power to read minds.

Just kind of thrown in there?

Originally posted by Cargo
Responding with a quick nod, the only emotion he displayed was a single tear. I didn?t know what God had ever done to him, but it was out of sheer curiosity that I actually considered it. I didn?t have much time to think as another audience member yelled out ?Yeah! DO IT!!!!? Slowly, the entire crowd began to stir. The thought that I, The Magic Man, might attempt to make ?The Almighty Father? disappear is just absurd. It would be a nifty little experiment.

Was? I don't know but it seemed that out of all the past tense you switched it up to present.



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Those are what I saw. Granted they might not all be correct but its what I feel didn't flow. However, despite these minor mistakes I feel it was still a very well written piece.