See ehn See

[Raditzu]

To be perfectly honest, it bugs the hell out of me. Same with one-line feedback.

[Bujin]

Luckily mine was two. Heh.

In any case, somebody get to my post or Zangya's.

[Old Zangya]

@Bujin

Sorry, slipped my mind. Anyhow, your post was good, but at first, having read little of your previous work, the interjection of an imaginative figure confused me; but I soon got used to it, and it was quite an entertaining post. I'd give it a good 8/10, or a B+. You did good, Bujin.

[Burter]

Zangya:

You write way more then nessecary and the extra details makes it really boring to read. You could have had an excellent roleplay if you had the narrator just get to the point and be blunt. Your character would work perfect if the narrator worked with her. See Raditzu's or Celipa's posts for examples of how the narrators interacts with the roleplay

Details are nice to picture a scene, but it can get boring when you go overboard

[Old Zangya]

I've always written for the details, I love them, but I guess to get far, I'm going to have to shy away from them. I tried to lower the length, but I guess that didn't do it. As for you, Burt, you did good, and I loved your post.

[Burter]

The details are just boring to read when you put so many in. I don't want to know how many ways you can describe drinking a beverage, I want to know what happens after you drink the damn thing

[Old Zangya]

Originally posted by Burter
The details are just boring to read when you put so many in. I don't want to know how many ways you can describe drinking a beverage, I want to know what happens after you drink the damn thing

Alright.

[Aero]

[PS] Burter's Dojo

[Minoshia]

Sign up Roleplay

bottom of page.

please and thankies

[King Cold444]

@Mino

I'm quick listing what I felt dragged it down. It left me needing more near the beginning-mid roleplay, and the predictability is still there (with the burning man). I feel it could've been better.

7.5/10

EDIT: whoops, my roleplay

[Retane]

Eh, it was decent one. Don't know if I can ive much critsism on it. Good vocabulary though.


Dante's Abyss 2007 Sign-Ups

[Bra]

@Retane:

Not bad. Your description is good, and your flashback was a tidy little way to break up the 'here-and-now' of your post. To be honest, it seemed pretty dry otherwise, but that's not too bad, since most of us (including me) are, as Rad already said, shaking off rust. I'm sure if you find a way to jazz things up a little - and it shouldn't be too hard - you'll do just fine in DA.

Bahaha!

My turn, even though it wasn't that good:

Sign-Up Post

[Bojack]

Originally posted by Bra
@Retane:

Not bad. Your description is good, and your flashback was a tidy little way to break up the 'here-and-now' of your post. To be honest, it seemed pretty dry otherwise, but that's not too bad, since most of us (including me) are, as Rad already said, shaking off rust. I'm sure if you find a way to jazz things up a little - and it shouldn't be too hard - you'll do just fine in DA.

Bahaha!

My turn, even though it wasn't that good:

Sign-Up Post

I call this one. Give me a minute.

[Old Zangya]

Originally posted by Bojack

Originally posted by Bra
@Retane:

Not bad. Your description is good, and your flashback was a tidy little way to break up the 'here-and-now' of your post. To be honest, it seemed pretty dry otherwise, but that's not too bad, since most of us (including me) are, as Rad already said, shaking off rust. I'm sure if you find a way to jazz things up a little - and it shouldn't be too hard - you'll do just fine in DA.

Bahaha!

My turn, even though it wasn't that good:

Sign-Up Post

I call this one. Give me a minute.

Gah, I just read it. Oh well. Good work, Bra.

Zangya vs Garlic Junior

[Bojack]

EDIT: Zangya, please read carefully. =/

Bra has nice description and character. You fill every minute thing with something 'Bra', and that's what makes your posts stand out from everybody else's. Sometimes the description goes a little overboard:

?I?m Princess Bra Briefs, of the Vegeta Dynasty, ruling family of Vegeta-Sei. I?m seventeen, was a super saiyan by the age of eleven, and I?m a whole hell of a lot stronger now than I was back then.? retorted the halfling with an uncharacteristic smirk of arrogance.

I'm a stickler when it comes to dialogue description... I believe that a simple 'she said' usually does the trick. This is an example of why adding more makes it clunky. Reading that paragraph of Bra speaking, I formulated on my own that she was being arrogant. You are a good writer and there is no need to thrust imagery upon us. Good writers only need to show and not tell.

I really liked the part where you summoned that monster (sorry, Im not familiar) and the guy was all 'yeah, yeah' and then he was all 'holy fux, lemme alone!' when he saw what it really was. That was great.

The last sentence was pwn. You have a knack for 'scientific' writing... like 'quantum computers' and 'split into atoms'. You would make a really good hard sci fi author. Or a good android on here. =P

Me: Dante's Abyss 2007 Sign-Ups

[Tobias]

Dialog is your strong point, I really enjoyed that, but some description here or there on inflection would improve things. Describing the way a line is delivered can get cumbersome if overused but is almost a neccessity every once in a while.

Now, those ellipsis and the question mark... I don't know if you were just in a hurry or what, but I wouldn't do it again. A "blank stare" or "questioning look" would have served you better, as it stand those take you out of the experience. Speaking of out of the experience; that image, while awesome, breaks the mood. The point is to draw the reader into your world, and an image or standalone punctuation is counterproductive in that respect.

As for your descriptions, excellent. The only area I could tell you to improve on would be to not be so awesome all the time. 'Tis odd I know, and you aren't doing a bad job of juggling the styles, but when your that good I need to nit pick. I imagine reading that after awhile might get overloading. Sometimes a simple statement works.

It was thick and it sounded of thunder as it was dropped on the desktop.

Is an example. Its good, but the thunder part just seems superfluous after hearing your other descriptions. Pick and choose.

Zangya vs Garlic Junior

Hit me up.

[Raditzu]

I definitely like your style, GJ. I generally get a good deal of enjoyment from reading your stuff and you're actually one of the few members whose RPs I try to read. May not sound like much, but that's definitely a compliment.

You have a way of choosing words that, in general usage, come out clunky and awkward. I think you have a pretty unique vocabulary and you pull off a flow that most people wouldn't even come close to. At least with your word choice.

You don't do anything with punctuation, and I think it would really add to the flow and feel of your writing in general. You make sentence fragment where a colon would have been perfect, or leave out a comma where it would have helped clarify a sentence. I think if you just play around with dashes (I think that's one mark of punctuation that would be perfect for your writing), semicolons, colons, and paragraph spacing, we would see your writing really take on a new form. Probably a good one.

You have a solid handle on how you like to form your descriptions, how to play your character, and how to make interactions between GJ and others interesting to read. My only real suggestion would be to play around with something different; a couple words you don't normally use, using themes you don't normally touch on, or maybe portray Garlic's actions from a new point of view might end up working really well for you. It could also end up sucking, but that's the fun of experimentation.

EDIT: Oh yeah...

Burter vs Raditzu

I guess someone can CnC that one if they want. I wasn't really looking for feedback, I just wanted to reply to GJ's request.

[Retane]

Fun, interesting and I liked it. The words worked together and I didn't need to look back on a post to figure out what was going on.

Two mistakes though.

Rad's eyes connected with Burter's, whose are was still extended, and his grin shifted ever so slightly -- how Raditzu did it wasn't something he could explain, but it was always very evident -- from one of layback excitement to a sneer of complete arrogance.

whose are was still? lost me there.

Second:
"Now now, there's no need for sarcasm," the saiyan said as he wagged a finger at Raditzu. "But seriously... how long has it been since you've done any real training?" Raditzu asked with a shake of his head. He made a point of looking Burter up and down.

Burter is a reptile, not a saiyan. Otgher then that I guess I ain't happy with the fact that you used wagged and shake in the same paragraph. Just seems you coulda had something more then just a plain convo their. Stuck out as bland in it all. But maybe you meant for it. I enjoyed it still.

9/10

Edit: [PS] Bar/Theatre/Arcade

Read both of them and let me know what you tihnk.

[Old Zangya]

Retane, your posts are great when it comes to storytelling. It was fun to read your posts, and it was interesting how you made the storyline flow. Hinting at your relationship with Olibu was a nice thing to do, although I don't believe it added more than a sense for your character's lust for revenge. If your character wasn't normally violent, it might've been more interesting to include that little tidbit about the two.

One last thing: I know you probably know this, but work on your spelling and grammar. Type your posts in a word processer first. Makes it much easier to read when you don't see a grammar mistake every few sentences or even every few words.

Now me:

Zangya vs Garlic Junior

[Retane]

Heh. Honestly, who's to say they wont pair together and whoop some ass?

Spelling and grammar mistakes. Yea a big issue of mine along with vocabulary. When I get a computer that belongs to me, it'll be the first $100 I spend I think.

As to being violent... well he's kinda maybe mighta sorta changed a little sense last year>_>