See ehn See

[Tapion]

Originally posted by Raditzu
Oh, and remember the golden rule: don't be a bitch; give someone else some feedback before asking for it yourself.

[Yamu]

Originally posted by Jeice
I do I do!

Yamu vs Jeice

It's been a while since I RP'ed a spar, so I'm interested to know how other people think I did.

I like that you keep the focus on your character without keeping all of your attention there. You can tell Jeice is the point, but you incorporated Yamu into it well, making him more then just a supporting actor, but an integral part to the story.

You Fight Write well, the flow of the battle seems plausible, don't doubt your abilities there. You give the right amount of description so that what you're seeing in your own mind's eye get translated without micro-managing the images to the point where the reader gets bored.

The only thing I would say to work on is length. I like short posts as well, but you should shoot for 800-1000, especially with the limit on RPs, you want to make sure every one counts. It seemed like just when I got into your writing, it was over.

Of course...don't err to much the other way, especially in DA, since Burter is grading.


Yamu vs. Jeice 2

[Deo]

Originally posted by Jeice
I do I do!

Yamu vs Jeice

..you son of a bitch. I wanted to do that D<

Originally posted by Yamu
Yamu vs. Jeice 2

Jeice could now tell he could not match Yamu blow for blow, the black eyed titan was just too much stronger,

The 'too much stronger' part caught my eye right away. Aside from that, the intro sentence made me feel more like I was coming back from a commercial break then getting ready for a new round of a match. Not a big nit pick, mind you.

I think your biggest issue is over description.

Yamu?s feet hustled across the training mat as he clutched his abdomen with both hands. He had begun to think the friendly bout was going to be a cake walk, but the white haired fighter had surprised him?something not easily done. The vein covered juggernaut approached more cautiously this time, his arms crisscrossed across his chest, palms open and slightly curved, in a signature defensive style.

That felt a bit redundant, and was a mouthful to read. I think just saying 'he' or 'Yamu' would have been much better.

You do that same thing a couple more times when describing either fighter, and it feels like a bit of a stretch not to be repetitive with your descriptives. There were a few run on sentences that made me stop and have to re-read what was going on to get a grip on it, mostly in the paragraph where Yamu was fighting off the Kamehameha.

I would have enjoyed more reflection on the actual physical feelings the two fighters had as opposed to just commenting on how they were sweating, breathing, etc. On top of that, I felt you had Yamu recover from the mental assault too easily, as I know if someone has a brain freeze even, they take at least a few minutes to fully recover. Yamu sort of shrugged off what you described as the mental equivalent to a Reijin backhand with little to no after effects.

The post fight wasn't bad either. I enjoyed the nostalgic bar scene and the mug smashing. Made me think of drunk vikings, but I think they traded straight text too long. You could have added some action qualifiers and descriptives between the last few trades of speech that I think would have added a better effect to the post.

D.A. Sign up

[Aero]

Most of it felt more like someone was dictating it to me rather than me reading. It didn't really have any strong voice that overwhelmed me when I read it. And most importantly, I didn't feel compelled to keep reading. It was one of those read, wait, and forget RPs that will imminently evaporate from my memory. Saw a few grammar mistakes too, if they mean anything to you.

6.5/10, if you want my personal rating.


Uh . . . Don't need c&c. I am comfortable with my work.

[Deo]

Well, if you're not posting anything, someone else wanna critique and post a link?

[Jeice]

Originally posted by Tapion

Originally posted by Raditzu
Oh, and remember the golden rule: don't be a bitch; give someone else some feedback before asking for it yourself.

I just noticed this...after Recoome gave C&C no posted anything to be reveiwed, so I did. If someone did I would've

[Nappa]

Yeah, my apologies. I just figured I would try to give Burter some C&C.

[Jeice]

Nah its cool, you didnt break any "Rules" .

[Android-18]

Hmm, well. I found your RP a little on the long side. You have good structure, but Gokua had some valid points. I always found you to be a strong writer, though. I wasn't compelled to read, it felt like it was missing something...not sure what. I did notice you kept two speakers in one paragraph, you should try seperating speakers.

I know I'm not helping much, but I was never good at c&c.

If anyone feels like commenting on my latest RP:

Day One: Early Morning

[Deo]

Burter stuck his size twelve up my butt for that last night. The chunky paragraphs, I mean.

Originally posted by Android-18
Day One: Early Morning

Haha. Pee. XP That was a good hook to get my attention, and it worked.

You used a bit of indirect sex appeal, referencing thighs, and panties. Yeah, it wasn't 'heaving breast' or the like, but come on. XD On a board of teenage men, that clearly is a hook, even if it's not meant to be.

On top of that, you managed to keep her personality flighty, cute and innocent. A pretty harsh contrast to the original 18, which isn't a bad thing, as it's how you've always done it, and you've done it well. Unlike most of the power house characters, I never see 18 as shallow and rigid as far as character development and range of emotions goes. The fact she was getting into a mental battle with a seagull was chuckle worthy, and you placed it intermittently through your post. Kept me thinking about it, unlike most people who post about some such thing once and never touch base on it again.

You didn't focus on one motion she did and over describe it, instead posting about several actions she did in relation to one pose. Always a good move in my book.

There wasn't too much progression, but considering it was DA, you can't be blamed for that. I do however wonder why you didn't have 18 hearing Jak...guy talking.

Over all, it was a pretty good intro post and it amused me.

Day One: Early Morning

[Minoshia]

For Kolli, I thought it was a very good introduction, it was smooth and well written and included some humor. It was a very well written peice, keep it up and you'll definitely surprise some people.


Day 1 Early Morning

[Bujin]

Pretty creepy, Minoshia. xD That said, you got the very feeling that I think you intended to come out of this post. Your descriptions were detailed, and it wasn?t drawn out enough for me to completely lose interest. Aside from the occasional misspelling, or the minute grammar error (capitalizing something that shouldn?t have), it was a well-written piece of work.

Or, if you want a specific:

It was a survival game by nature, and Minoshia thought about this often, because he couldn?t fully grasp the concept of a contestant not wanting to simply kill everyone; that was his strategy and it all seemed perfectly okay to him.

It may not be horrible grammatically, but it?s a mouthful and frankly, I eventually skimmed over the sentence about halfway through. Maybe split it into separate sentences. I?unno ? that?s more of just personal preference than anything else.

That's about it.

Mine: Link

[Retane]

Tip:

The post you want to be read.... Click the small Page Icon on the left, beside the time of when you posted and it will give you the direct link to you post.

Also, Bujin it was decent. Good enough to keep me reading. I'd like to see what happens next and more about the imaginary freind.

ME: Day One: Early Morning

[Aero]

I liked it. The details were slightly weak, but they were strong where they needed to be strong. I liked basically everything. The only thing that I didn't particularly like was all of words you used to elude saying Retane.


Gman's Rating: 8/10



My small RP:

Day One: Morning

[Celipa]

Nice. I've been following what's been happening to Gokua, and I particularly liked your immediate follow-up post to the event more-so than this one. I think that delving more into Gokua's thoughts in the last post would've made it more appealing.

Day One: Morning

Mine?

[Retane]

Originally posted by Gokua
I liked it. The details were slightly weak, but they were strong where they needed to be strong. I liked basically everything. The only thing that I didn't particularly like was all of words you used to elude saying Retane.


Gman's Rating: 8/10

You bean mercenay/humanoid slug/ jade, emerald, green warrior or fighter/assassin murderer killer. heartless cold SOB/renegade/rogue?

Those?

Whats wrong with them?

[Aero]

Originally posted by Retane

Originally posted by Gokua
I liked it. The details were slightly weak, but they were strong where they needed to be strong. I liked basically everything. The only thing that I didn't particularly like was all of words you used to elude saying Retane.


Gman's Rating: 8/10

You bean mercenay/humanoid slug/ jade, emerald, green warrior or fighter/assassin murderer killer. heartless cold SOB/renegade/rogue?

Those?

Whats wrong with them?

1.) I think you have too many of them.
2.) I think you shuffle through all of them too often.

[Retane]

Eh? I do? Hmmm.

[Super Buu]

Originally posted by Celipa
Nice. I've been following what's been happening to Gokua, and I particularly liked your immediate follow-up post to the event more-so than this one. I think that delving more into Gokua's thoughts in the last post would've made it more appealing.

Day One: Morning

Mine?

I rike. I think your writing style has improved massively; the piece just seemed to flow without me jarring on anything. At the same time it was quirky, and gave a good impression of Celipa's carefree attitude. Other than that not much to say, since it was mainly a follow-up post and so on. It'll be interesting to see how Celipa reacts to the competition as it goes on and whether her personality changes or we see any rising plotlines =o

Day One: Morning C&C? Most of my roleplays thus far have been 'setup' with the actual progression to come later (I do have stuff planned), but I'd like to get some feedback on how I'm holding up so far.

[Bra]

I got Super Buu.