See ehn See

[Saz]

Originally posted by Cargo
Next link is mine!

Day Two: Afternoon

That was... Surprisingly good for what it was. It was overall pretty well written, I liked how you filled your super-soaker with Pikkon's blood, it wasn't anything huge, but it was a nice touch. The only fault I can find in the post was one sentence which stood out;

The sun As the time passed the extreme anger that the teenage harbored towards the competition to fade.

That was pretty messy. If you re-read your post you would have noticed that and could have quickly fixed it.

But ignoring that one mistake, I'd say it was a pretty decent post, 8/10.

Might aswell get some C&C before I get killed, Be gentle...

[Mowgli]

The first thing I'm going to say is, I like what you're doing. Mixing up the details of the surroundings and how you're character is feeling. I think that is always great when reading. I'm not really that great in grammar so I saw no problems there, lol. The only real problem I saw was that some parts didn't flow very well. I think you should try to 'mix it up' with your transitional words. Try not to use "suddenly" and/or "then" excessively. See if you can find other ways to go about whatever it is you wish for Sazuaa to do. I know I'm not one of the greatest writer's on here so I don't want to make it seem like I'm talking down to you. I just wanted to tell you what little things you could change that might make a big difference in your writing. Also, stop doubting yourself. I've seen it all around the forums. "i'm surprised I'm not dead yet" and things like that. you're a good writer, you just need to work on what I mentioned a bit and parts of what others might tell you. Don't overdo it though. Remember, in the end. You're the one writing, so don't stress too much about what other people like. Do what's you. Eventually it'll grow on them.

Link: It wouldn't hurt.

[Aero]

Okay, I am going to break it down for you. =D

The booming voice of an amplified Karl Jak echoed within the ears of the tiny saiyan, awaking him from the deep slumber that he had been in. Pushing off the ground with his hands and knees, the hybrid rose to his feet. Rejuvenated by his lengthy nap; hungry for action?and food. Ready once again, for the dangers that fate had set for him to face.

Okay, for the most part, the first sentence is solid. Except, remove "from the deep slumber that he had been in." It's unnecessary. Replace it with from his deep slumber. It will make the sentence flow much better, and remove unneeded words that just congest it.

Second sentence is mediocre. Maybe rearranging the words in that sentence would work better.

This next sentence is a fragment sentence (I think that's what it's called). It's incomplete. Change it to maybe His long sleep had rejuvenated his energy, leaving his mind craving action--of some sort--and his stomach urging for food. Not the best revision, but I think it's better than your current.

Yet again, an incomplete sentence. Change to maybe . . . He was prepared, regardless of the dangers he would imminently be faced with.

The surrounding scenery had changed since his eyes were last open. The sky was now filled with the darkness that is the night. Twinkling stars smiled upon the ground, lending their light for visual aid; as did the silver moon that hovered idly above.

The first sentence is decent, but could be better.

Second sentence doesn't roll off of my tongue right. If the sky is dark then we know it is nighttime . . . unless you state that it was caused by something else, thus saying "That is night" is completely unnecessary.

Third sentence just doesn't come out right. Stars cannot smile. It's like saying "The man's arrogant cheeks rose as he smiled." (Because cheeks cannot be arrogant) It's dumb. Maybe. . . The stars glimmered brilliantly (Or brightly), illuminating the ground. The last part of that sentence (After the semicolon) is okay.

Continuing his observation of the lad around him, Junior?s eyes scanned the entire perimeter. Attempting to acknowledge any and all changes that occurred during his time of rest. However, despite his hopes, nothing more had changed. The grass was still green, the squirrel was still grooming itself and the trees were still in tact.

Typo with "lad" it should be "land", but I know what you're saying. I don't really like the whole sentence structure in the first sentence; it reminds me of the ones Retane uses. Ugh.. Maybe change it to . . Junior examined the land around him, scanning the entire area. That's just me though.

Incomplete sentence. You could easily merge the second sentence with the third, and you need to. He observed with determination, hoping to detect and alterations to the land, but despite his efforts, nothing had changed.

Third sentence just doesn't roll off of the tongue right. And I personally don't see why that sentence should exist. The squirrel piece could easily be added into the next paragraph.

?Wait a sec?? Murmured the saiya-jin, averting his attention to the fluffy tailed rodent; this time coming to a realization. What he had failed to notice due to the effects of extreme fatigue earlier, he had noticed now. Directly beside the squirrel was a miniature catapult, and within its holster stood a basketball; Olibu?s basketball. Still somewhat sluggish and groggy, Junior could only watch as the leathery sphere was fired and met his face, with such force that he had been forced to fall on his ass.

Dialogue! Yay! Mistake already. After doing the speaking, if you're going to talk about how GJ says it then the first word is lower-cased. I know it's confusing, so let me show an example. ("Wait a sec. . ." murmured the saiya-jin) See? you lower-case the "m" in murmured, because you're talking about how he talked in that sentence. It's confusing and I suck at describing it. Bardock has a nice example of it in his writing teachings in the joining forum. Rest of it is okay.

Second sentence. . . it's okay. But that could be where you mention the squirrel for the first time.

Third sentence. The semicolon doesn't fit. instead. Also, basketballs don't stand. >.>, use. . Directly beside the squirrel was a miniature catapult and within its holster was a basketball--Olibu's basketball.

Meh. Mediocre, the last sentence is. I say rearrange some words and think a bit harder on it.

Now looking to the sky with a cock-eyed expression?as if his questions could be answered by it?the boy thought to himself. Did a squirrel?just hit me with a basketball?

Ugh... I hate the beginning of the sentence. He gazed at the sky, cock-eyed expression--as if his questions could be answered by it--the boy thought Did a squirrel just . . . hit me with a basketball?

In less than a second he had been answered by the cackling of the rodent. Pushing off the ground with yet another arm thrust. Junior rose to his feet in one swift nip-up motion. ?I?m gunna eat you.? He then sung aloud, as if following the tune of his very own melody.

Second sentence is incomplete. >.< Merge it with the third.

Forth sentence. I think sung should be sand. Also, I didn't know that there was a melody involved, thus the last part throws me off.




Anyway, that's my c&c. Obviously, following my corrections and whatnot will improve the quality, but it won't make it great. Remember to proof-read. It helps you correct things, focus on in things, and ultimately improve the quality of your sentences.

Rating: 5.5/10 The quality dulled the rating down. The concept was decent though, and made me want to read it, despite of the irritating downfalls.

[Bujin]

My only post there.

[Aero]

Wow. Another strong read from you Bujin. I'm really starting to love Rae and Nancy more and more; they really widen eyes when reading your posts, and set you apart from the rest. You may not have sheer writing ability like Ben, but when it comes to concepts and execution you exceed him and that's why you two are so equal.

Anyway, rating: 9/10

[Celipa]

I would rate Gokua, if he had posted a post. But instead, I'll just post my own. =D

Elimination Exit

[Retane]

Gokua's been dead.

[Celipa]

I know.

[Aero]

Originally posted by Celipa
I would rate Gokua, if he had posted a post. But instead, I'll just post my own. =D

Elimination Exit

Nothing really special to say. I loved it. Simply loved it.

9.5/10

[Celipa]

I love you.

[Deo]

Get a room.

Day Two: Early Morning

[Retane]

EH you've been dead>_>

Day Three: Early Morning

[Burter]

Disregard Ret's post. Kol is next

[Retane]

EH I meant to post that if GOkua didn't get to him, like Ithoguht he was still doing then I would whenI got back.... But anyways.

Kol, it was interesting, and funny. Had you not left you woulda made it alot further. I woulda liked it more cept, I never read it and saw the OOC about it. I tihnk one of the sentances was a bit incorrect, but it might just be me. Yoou seperated two sentances when it shoulda been one or had a few more words in it.

ALl and all, it was great. I can't think anything wrong with it. I'm going to hope you saw Celipa b4 though... lol Thats my only worry. Like I said that was the first Rp I read of yours

[Deo]

There was a flashback of Celipa from the Barracks XD So yeah, they met...if you can call it that.

[Aero]

I'll get to you Retane. It's fucking 95 degrees outside and I just got in. I'd like a nice rest in the AC before doing anything really.

[Aero]

Originally posted by Retane
EH you've been dead>_>

Day Three: Early Morning

The RP itself was written pretty well. I couldn't get into the emotional flow at the beginning though, which was kind of annoying. You just didn't express it as well as you probably could have (with more thought in it). Also, some of the words didn't fit; seemed like you right-clicked some words and scrolled right down to synonyms on MS Word. At the end it got a little stronger and I got into it more than the beginning. A few errors were there, which could have been fixed with revision (I'm such a hypocrite).


Rating: 8/10

[Retane]

Day Three: Morning

[Jinpo]

Retane: It's definitely good to see this side of Retane. It breaks it up, you know. There were a few spelling errors (concious-conscious, releived-relieved), but those could obviously be corrected with spellcheck. Also:

Originally posted by Retane
The dark namekian wished it was noon, he didn't care even if it was the time of the height of the suns glory.

The second part of that setence didn't make sentence to me, but I could be wrong. Overall, I enjoyed the post and look forward to your roleplays in the future.

Rating: 8/10

My RP: Day Three: Morning

[Android 17]

Like I told you on AIM, I really enjoyed this post. Cargo's brutality toward his fallen "comrade" made me laugh (yes, I laughed sadistically). It's good to finally see Cargo's inner asshole/sadist emerge, because I knew how you were trying to plant the seeds of that earlier in the competition. Keep on playing on Cargo's descent into evilness/madness in these last few stages of the games.

This is unrelated, but I have a question: Why do you bold all your dialouge, spoken or otherwise?

Oh and here's my request: Day Three: Morning