[BT1-FINAL] Orsalis v Alex T REVIEW

[Mal Nova]

Where did I say that?

And how come I cant find the damned thread that you posted with the rules aside from qualifying?

[Mal Nova]

I don't think I was treated unfairly

[Mal Nova]

[quote]Some exceptions may be made in extreme scenarios, such as family tragedy, but a good case must be made. [quote]

Pretty sure none of them were extreme...

[Jonathan Meer]

Then I haven't a clue what you're talking about.

This isn't the place. PM me if you have further concerns, or an SM or Admin for anything else. Any further posts on this subject here will be deleted.

[Alexander Trafford]

[quote=Mal Nova]

Some exceptions may be made in extreme scenarios, such as family tragedy, but a good case must be made. [quote]

Pretty sure none of them were extreme...

Most had to do with college finals, and that, in my opinion, is an extreme scenario because college is, in most cases, going to affect the remainder of our lives in terms of friends, relationships, work place, work habits, knowledge, etc. Anything that affects the remainder of your life is extreme.

[Belle Hibiki]

This is the final, so I'm not going to bother with picking apart grammar and spelling and shit. Thankfully, you guys have made that pretty much a non-point anyway.

I'm instead going to focus on other aspects of the writing. As usual, I'll comment on paucity of language, but I think other parts of the writing presented need to be mentioned, too.

Osalis' first post left me feeling optimistic about the prospects of the fight. Though there were some parts of it that made me scratch my head - Orsalis' sudden blitz attack off the bat with nary so much as a mention from the announcer felt wrong; and if Ors was in a healing tank, shouldn't the announcer have known that?... - they were minor things.

Overall I enjoyed reading the post. It connected the fight into the continuity, bringing up previous matches, so that it didn't feel like it took place in a bubble. The fighting itself was passable – I would have preferred tighter language, but yours, while longer than I like, didn't obfuscate – and there's some real good writing in there.

Pouncing upon the prone Trafford, Orsalis raised his claws, allowing the thought of drawing them through the feeble creature to linger. That glint of fear in his eyes as sweat rolled down his face, a trail of blood trickling into his eye. This was the moment that defined the hunter, defined the prey, and made spectacle of superiority.

That's GOOD. It has a poetic ring to it, is very dramatic, and reveals character. That last sentence is excellent.

-

I found Alex's first post a bit underwhelming, mostly because it felt like it was just a 'fight post.' There's a lot of filler in here that just takes up space; do we really need flowery details of how Trafford smokes again? Or the particulars of their stances if the stances don't actually make an appreciable difference? I'll let the long paragraph of description about Orsalis' stance go because the intention seemed to be to illustrate the character's expertise ('he lifted the other above his head so that he was perfectly balanced'), but it came dangerously close to being completely irrelevant.

What irritated me most about the post was that you could plug it in anywhere during the course of the tournament and have it make just as much sense. Just trim out a single sentence (“This*was*the final, after all.”) and this post could have been in the first round. Where's the emotion? The drama? All we get it Alex continuing to act the same as he always does: like a smarmy cock. This is something that Orsalis suffered from, too, by the way: from the first posts, neither of them appear to have a clear personal goal other than hating xenos or sucking on cigarettes.

What's at stake? One of them loses. Who cares? Not the reader.

I did like some of the characterizations, though. This in particular:

“Well,” Trafford paused for a moment, and inhaled once more on the smoldering cigarette, “I understand why you would want to be like me . . .” He removed his hands from his pockets and swept them up and down his body in the same manner as a salesman who seeks to illustrate the fine craftsmanship of his product. He chuckled, and then continued, “But you can’t. I mean, you can certainly try, but . . . good luck.”

A segment where your tendency to flower out language turns out great. The sweep of the hand demonstrating he's a showman, an actor, and the fact that he holds himself in high regard – perhaps too high. Both are conveyed in that simple expression. It's not just Alex being a dick; it reveals things about the character without the audience having to be TOLD about them. This is when detail is good.

I just wish there were more examples of it.

-

The beginning of Orsalis' second post... Faltered. I eventually understood when I reread it, but first going through, I was pretty lost as to what was going on.

What happened to the bullet that Orsalis was sparking? It fired. Did it impact by Alex's head? That was a cool moment, but the inconsistency bothered me.

There's not a whole lot I can say about the second post that I didn't say about the first. The character development thrown in at the end felt very hollow. Maybe you were butting up against the word limit? I had that problem, too; but you could have trimmed down the action a tad to make it work.

-

Alex's second post

Why are you doing this to me?

Casually, he lifted a single cigarette and tucked it into the corner of his lips. He winked, and the ground tobacco leaves wrapped within the white paper began to smolder like faintly burning embers. Tiny ribbons of charcoaled smoke flittered from the tip and rose upwards, dissipating into nothingness as they danced toward the heavens.*

As Trafford pulled back on the trigger, short, flaming tongues reached out from the barrel’s mouth like a dragon seeking its prey. In the midst of the orange and red uproar, a single, large-caliber cartridge exploded forth from the gas-operated firing mechanism and towards its blue-skinned target.

In my mind, this is Trafford @me:
[spoiler][/spoiler]

Seriously. Goddamn it, man!

Okay, that's out of my system.

I liked most of the actual fighting in this post, particularly with the caught-bullet-turned-bomb. It was clearly written; though I have to wonder why, if Trafford can imbue a single bullet to explode like that, he can't just remotely pump his power into someone to make them explode. Does he ENHANCE the bullet's natural detonation, or is the large part of it his own power, not bound by whatever his target is? Is this like Upshot? Why can't he do it to people's clothes? Oh! Or does he have a 'code' against ruining perfectly good clothing? Maybe only applying to things he finds stylish? Food for thought.

Anyway, nitpicking.

I like that we actually get some kind of determination here from Alex. It's not much more than "I wanna win," but it's better than nothing. It's something I really would've liked to have seen expanded on in your post. Alex is determined to win. Why? For himself. Because?

Maybe he sees this as a personal test; maybe he's always felt vulnerable because of the betrayal his parents handed him when he was younger, and this was about him trying to see if he's stronger as a person than he was back then. Maybe he's uncertain of his place in the world, trying to find his way, not really a ki-freak like most of the cast, but not a normal person, either. Maybe his guns could be symbols of those two contrasting sides of him, both technological and supernatural, intensely personal, sides that he either has to embrace, or throw away during the fight in order to define himself.

Again, this was the final. The opportunities for character development here were so many and so varied, that it's almost criminal that you didn't use any of them.

---
Conclusion:

All said and done, this was a pretty disappointing final round. I felt like both writers could have done a lot better to try and suck me into the action, to make me care about whether a character won or not. That's probably why so little C&C has been done on this fight: we're just not invested in it.

And really, before someone tried to bring up that we're not supposed to judge based on how much we like a character, but getting the reader to like, or at least sympathize, with the protagonist of the story is part of good writing.

Neither writer did a fantastic job in that department. Both have had some good and bad parts in their posts (explained above). The outcome really isn't THAT clear.

Trafford. By the skin of his teeth, but that's my vote.

[Alexander Trafford]

I've augmented clothes in the past. He can basically use psychokinesis on anything he wants, at any time. I'm not allowed to blow up people, however. But I've considered, like, detonating the surface of someone's skin. Like a golden hue flittered around his arm and then exploded, but tha would kinda be going against what Trafford actually does. His psychokinesis works in that it augments the entire structure of the object; it's not just the surface of the bullet, but the everything that is the bullet, down to its molecular structure or whatever. The energy almost becomes a part of its structure. To detonate a person, then, even if I just did, say a limb, that entire limb would have to be blown apart. And I've never fought a character with regeneration, so I don't feel comfortable doing that.

Also, I know my writing was uninspired this round. I was rushed, I hate word limits because, you're right, I make long, flowery descriptions of things at every turn. In my mind I want to write so that everything I write can be clearly picture by the reader, because I hate ambiguous descriptions in other's reading. I understand letting the reader's imagination make their own image, but I don't know, that's just how I've always done it. I tried to be better with that, but I reverted this round. And, honestly, this tournament has been really drawn out, in my opinion, and I just wasn't as into this and inspired as I was for, say, the DA09 final.

Also, I was trying to decide whether or not Alex even cared about winning. In my mind he didn't, because he really had no reason or motive to be on Namek other than I, OOC me, wanted to write in the tournament. But I felt that if he didn't, that'd be bad for reader's, and so I rushed that bit in. I know, bad.

[Alexander Trafford]

One more vote/C&C guys, come on.

[Alexander Trafford]

Please end this. The tally is Trafford - 3, Orsalis - 1, and we're only waiting for one more vote. It's like a five game series in baseball, and it should be over now that I've taken the third vote. No one else is going to read and C&C. All that we're doing my waiting is crippling both my and Orsalis' desire to write.

[Jonathan Meer]

This thread is a testament to the power and legitimacy of Chubbs as a community of like-minded, selfless writers.

Alex Trafford wins the Tournament! An Award will be posted to your profile, and the winner's portion of the Zeni will be credited to your account in the next 48 hours.

The loser's portion of the Zeni will be credited to Orsalis' account in the next 48 hours.

The thread is open for either of you to finish it as you see fit. Alex will be given preferential treatment to its conclusion; if he chooses not to post a concluding post for the fight, that right will be handed to Orsalis.

Thanks to all for participating!

[Sigfried Hunin]

I would have to agree with this judgement! I just wasn't on my game for the last post. I wasn't into as much as I should have been, and it just felt sloppy and rushed. Alex definitely won the last round IMO. His descriptions were clear and understandable, and he led your mind's eye where it should go.

I, on the other hand, had a lot of confusing word usage and a very vague sense of what to do with the fight. I know I could have done a lot better than I did, but I also feel like Alex could have. I kinda think it was the worst round I wrote against somebody with.

Thanks for voting and giving good C&C guys. It helps me out, and that's important.

[Mal Nova]

I dont agree with the ruling... But... Lol... What does it matter?

[Alexander Trafford]

I dont agree with the ruling... But... Lol... What does it matter?

It doesn't.

I will write up the fight conclusion shortly. I apologize for the delay, the end of a long work-week and this long weekend have kept me plenty busy.

[Sigfried Hunin]

It doesn't.

I will write up the fight conclusion shortly. I apologize for the delay, the end of a long work-week and this long weekend have kept me plenty busy.

NP mate, I've been having a hard time getting re-motivated. Lost my momentum damnit!!

[Alexander Trafford]

This thread is a testament to the power and legitimacy of Chubbs as a community of like-minded, selfless writers.

Alex Trafford wins the Tournament! An Award will be posted to your profile, and the winner's portion of the Zeni will be credited to your account in the next 48 hours.

The loser's portion of the Zeni will be credited to Orsalis' account in the next 48 hours.

The thread is open for either of you to finish it as you see fit. Alex will be given preferential treatment to its conclusion; if he chooses not to post a concluding post for the fight, that right will be handed to Orsalis.

Thanks to all for participating!

I wrote the fight's conclusion, now where's my award?! :-)

[Shou]

Media-based frenzy.

If there are three things I could choose to look forward to when I wake up it would be the price of gold increasing, the television broadcast system intact, and the television broadcast system telling us that something is wrong. I'm not knocking awareness, but lately touching subjects along the lines of quantum entanglement and chaos theory I'm noticing that history does tend to repeat itself and we, as a people, do not really know our history. If we did there'd be war in America instead of the Middle East.

What I'm trying to say is that slowly while we're worried about topics like health care, as opposed to alternate health care and overall wellness (like what shaman used to do for the natives) and military funding we've been backed into a corner where gold, which was 900/oz about this time last year, has hit 1500/oz. Gold is a economic barometer, because it's premium physical currency that a majority of banking houses use to back their cotton-based currency. Given ignorance to the subject of economics in a standard schooling curriculum no one really invested money in anything significant.

Scenario. You wake up. Turn on your television and tune into CNN (I don't really watch television much anymore myself). China's backed out of QE4. Stocks are plummeting. Silver is 200/oz. Gold is 2000+. Dollar is nil. Food is skyrocketing as your sitting there. You rush to Walmart, out of televised panic. Shelves are already clean. People are fucking shit up. Fuck. You go home. National Guard is deployed on national streets to subdue civil unrest. Then what?

Let's research. The dollar's been fighting a losing battle since it's backing in 15-something-another (55ish) where the Gold Standard was introduced. Somewhere along the line someone found a loophole where they could keep, let's say the actual gold and continue loansharking. This continues for three hundred years.

While I do think noting politics as a trend for the fiscal year before you I also think that American Politics are designed to keep people distracted from the picture. What IS the big picture? I'd say at this point remembering history. People should be doing their own homework if they want to remember the answers.

[John Doe]

I don't think you posted in the right forum. lol

[Jonathan Meer]

Closed. Shou's post is just too much win to let it get lost in the shuffle.

The award will be credited first thing tomorrow (I PROMISE)

EDIT: done