12-06-2005, 09:50 PM
You have a very good grasp of mechanics, so fortunately I don't have to pick over those. However, I do have a couple of things to point out.
This sentence, while an excellent attempt, seems a little awkward to me. I assume you are describing the ground beneath him either caving in or being structurally altered because of his power output. I just really didn't like that sentence being used to portray that specific occurance.
While your description is clear enough, the action seems a little weird to me. The last sentence is also similar to the one I posted above.
Other than that, you're doing pretty well.
Quote:Originally posted by Corniss
The ground beneath him buckled, but sustained its shape.
This sentence, while an excellent attempt, seems a little awkward to me. I assume you are describing the ground beneath him either caving in or being structurally altered because of his power output. I just really didn't like that sentence being used to portray that specific occurance.
Quote:Originally posted by Corniss
Suddenly he threw down his arms while forcefully stretching to his full height and arching his back the opposite way. A fiery battle cry sounded as a radiant cobalt aura erupted from the saiya-jin. The ground in a wide radius around him was consumed but the energy.
While your description is clear enough, the action seems a little weird to me. The last sentence is also similar to the one I posted above.
Other than that, you're doing pretty well.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
_=So wake me when it's through
I don't want to feel the things that you do
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I just don't want this dream, wake me up inside=_
I don't want to feel the things that you do
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I just don't want this dream, wake me up inside=_