See ehn See

[Raditzu]

Want someone to give you some feedback on a post? Through up a link.

Oh, and remember the golden rule: don't be a bitch; give someone else some feedback before asking for it yourself.

[Raditzu]

I'll start things off. Go me!

Dante's Abyss 2007 Sign-Ups

Sign-up post. I feel like I'm breaking off a lot more rust than I'd prefer.

[Burter]

Note to fighters: You're in for hell of a fight if you want half a shot at stopping Raditzu from winning

[Olibu]

I dunno if you wanted a lengthy critique, but I'll give it a shot. I love how you build the two characters up like they are important, and then as soon as it would start to get to their heads, you rip it right back down. You did that perfectly by having that woman not know of you. I also like your companionship with 18, its kinda refreshing how you can show so much without showing anything. Their relationship showed how comfortable they are with eachother and you used very little words to do so. I know a writer is good when I laugh because I'm not just looking at words anymore, I see the story and not just the words.

?Style? Iunno? I just hit people. They usually fall down.?

Best part eva!


For mine, use the same link, do my sign up I guess.

[Bojack]

Olibu your post didn't really pop out that much. It was kind of bland, and I think I know a couple of reasons why.

For a piece heavy on dialogue, the lines weren't that great. When you commit to something like that, you have to make sure it is your premier talent. Tarantino has movies heavy on the dialogue because he knows how to do it extremely well. Would you sit through 20 minute conversations in movies that Tarantino didn't direct? I wouldn't, and Tarantino gets away with it because he has a sort of comic book style zeal. Which is the place to go for building dialogue... if you want to write dialogue heavy work, read comics.

The characters didn't have that much character. I didn't continue reading to see who would say what next, and that made the dialogue kind of flat. One trick I know that works when dealing with redshirts (short lived characters) is to make him and your character have conflicting personalities. Like how he asked too many questions ('what is your age'), instead of Olibu being silent he could have said something like 'dont worry about that' or 'next question'. Idk if you want to portray Olibu like that, but I don't see it as butchering your character... it just means the other guy is treading over a sensitive area.

Another thing that works is having the two characters misunderstand each other. Joseph Heller did this a lot in Catch 22 (great fuxing book), and it added depth to the pages, as well as a comedic tone. When I say misunderstanding I mean maybe a character didn't hear what another one said... or maybe add some Abott and Costello type circular logic. Anything that will make me wonder along with the characters as to what the hell is actually going on. And it adds realism.

And westerns. Westerns have great dialogue. And I am such a hypocrite here; dialogue is my weakest point. But I just don't put stuff into practice when I write, I just do it. If you are like me, then put more stuff into practice when you write, and sooner or later, you won't have to do much revision and stuff. It will come naturally.

So, hopefully this is how you write and it wasn't just one post that's totally different from everything else you do. If so, I just wasted a lot of time. =( That flashback was pretty good, and the post wasn't that bad. It's just, for something that was mainly conversation, it wasn't interesting conversation. And good luck in DA.

/cheesy thumbs up




Yay. Me: Free-For-All

Best thing I've written in a while, and still not that good. Help a brother out?

[Burter]

No offense, but this is DA C&C only. Take your other stuff to RPG Discussion where it goes

[Bojack]

My bad. Ignore me then.

EDIT: Although, where was this said? I thought this was for participants of DA that wanted help with their writing?

[Raditzu]

Originally posted by Burter
No offense, but this is DA C&C only. Take your other stuff to RPG Discussion where it goes

That's where it was said.

[Android-18]

Dante's Abyss 2007 Sign-Ups

Well if anyone wants they can CnC me.

I read your post Olibu, I thought it was ok, although you could have used a little more depth to your post. The flash back was an interesting addition.

[Burter]

It said so in the forum name

DA Junkyard

[Reijin]

Rad wins this. Hands down. If he has the stamina to keep going the way his first post and his description are, he wins. I admit this. I have no way to beat that.

[Grandpa Gohan]

Dante's Abyss 2007 Sign-Ups
I would also like some cnc on my first yearly DA post. =(

[Whompt]

Nice stuff. Definite contender material.

Let me know how this post went guys. I feel like it's one of the better serious works of done.

Join post

[Aero]

I think it's a solid post. One of the better sign-up posts thus far. Touch up on your grammar a bit. I see some errors, though they might be typos. Also, you went in detail enough without overflowing it with elaboration. Overall, 7.5/10 maybe. A great sign-up post, and pretty good post overall.


Mine: Dante's Abyss 2007 Sign-Ups

[Bujin]

You did well, but like most of the posts there, it's only a sign-up. I expect yours to get better when you get more content to play around with.

My post: Sign-up thingie.

[Old Zangya]

I just posted a sign-up post. C&C me.

[Old Zangya]

Originally posted by Zangya
I just posted a sign-up post. C&C me.

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...post347720

And that one, too, please.

[Kirano]

Zangya, place urls in links. It's much easier for others.

[Raditzu]

Originally posted by Zangya

Originally posted by Zangya
I just posted a sign-up post. C&C me.

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...post347720

And that one, too, please.

Its considered proper decorum to give some feedback before asking for someone to critique your own work. I this case, Bujin should have received something from you.

[Bujin]

Originally posted by Raditzu

Originally posted by Zangya

Originally posted by Zangya
I just posted a sign-up post. C&C me.

http://cdbzrpg.dracondev.com/forum/threa...post347720

And that one, too, please.

Its considered proper decorum to give some feedback before asking for someone to critique your own work. I this case, Bujin should have received something from you.

I was going to let it go. <.<