See ehn See

[Super Buu]

People talk about the bell quite a bit, I should have put more explicitly that he made a bicycle with the bell just part of it. XD I realised later and put it at the start of the next RP, but yeah.

Just commenting, whoever posts next do Koola.

[Raditzu]

Originally posted by Koola
Link.

The picture you paint of Cold and Coola is great. I would never imagine Coola acting all chummy with his father, but the way you write it makes it sound very natural. Moreover, you paint this picture with scenes that are familiar to everyone: walking side-by-side, joking back and forth, small quips. Those are all things that people can relate to in one way or another.

The emotional back-and-forth that Coola goes through is also great. The "logical paradox" from which Coola suffers is simple enough to be believable, but still complex enough that it doesn't come off as cheesy or cliche. I think that, between this mental struggle and the physical interplay between Coola and Cold, you have a whole lot to work with.

The weakest point of your post was sentence structure, I think. A fairly minor point, but something I think is worth mention. You have a few sentences that tended to run too long; they got to the point that it was just awkward to read them, otherwise it wouldn't be a problem. There are also several fragments, but its quite obvious that they were intentionally written that way, and it doesn't actually make your RP suffer.

Other than that, good word choice, good descriptions, and great use of dialouge. A very solid roleplay.

----------------------------

If someone would be so kind:

Day One: Morning

My first post on the second page. While I'll always take generic feedback of any kind, I'm particularly interested in whether or not these little flashback sequences are working. If its just boring and no one cares I might have to rethink that angle.

[Vegeta]

I actually skipped the flashback when I was reading your post.

[Old Zangya]

I got Rad.

[Old Zangya]

@Rad:

Nice job. The humor in it was absolutely wonderful, and my favorite part was reading the fight between "Raditzu" and "Vegeta". I just couldn't help thinking it was funny. Also, the flashbacks that were mixed in seemed slightly out of place, but perhaps it'll become more clear why Rad is in the principal's office. They didn't work for me, but if you perfect them, I think they could work quite well. Overall, 9/10.

Now someone please do me. I love this post.

Day One: Afternoon

[Aero]

Decent read. I found myself rowing bored in some parts--not many. The details were a little vague, but surprisingly pleasurable. Not really on the level of great rp, but not bad.

6.5/10




My RP:

Elimination Exit

[Raditzu]

Originally posted by Vegeta
I actually skipped the flashback when I was reading your post.

You probably just skipped down to the first mention of "Vegeta" and then looked back far enough to put it in context.

[Yajirobe]

Wow Gokua nice elimination exit post. 8/10

Heres my first one ever.

Cruelty to Animals

[Old Zangya]

Originally posted by Yajirobe
Wow Gokua nice elimination exit post. 8/10

Heres my first one ever.

Cruelty to Animals

One line criticism = no-no.

Also, DA only posts.

[Bardock]

Originally posted by Yajirobe
Wow Gokua nice elimination exit post. 8/10

Heres my first one ever.

Cruelty to Animals

This is for DA posts only if you're in the saga. Regular C&C goes in the RPG Discussion forum.

[Aero]

Any way I can get some in-depth c&c on that post?

[Retane]

Actually. It was great. The description, the detail, the anger. I enjoyed reading. Had you not tried to poison me and it backfired, you woulda made it longer in the game.

I'd give it a 9/10. I can't see anything wrong with it. Fighting you later would be rather... scary for me lol

Edit2: I tried mixing things up a bit.... Day One: Afternoon

[Jinpo]

Retane couldn't have said it better. But I felt it was a teensy bit repetitive.

Ok. Since Retane didn't post a link, I will.

Day One: Afternoon

EDIT: Oh, now you post it . . .

[Retane]

Had to go back and find it sorry lol

[Android 17]

I thought you did pretty well, Retane. The first paragraph threw me off a little bit due to my lack of information pertaining to your previous exploits. Good use of paragraph structure and whatnot to stress emphasis, but you repeated that method a few times. You might want to try using other means to make sure the reader knows that some serious shit/thought is running through Retane's head.

Your mechanics seem good in my mind in the sense that I can't see any blatant slip-ups. Keep it up, and I don't foresee you having any problem coasting through any roadblocks you encounter.

I hope that helps, Retane.

Here's mine: Day One: Afternoon

[Jinpo]

Originally posted by Cargo
Retane couldn't have said it better. But I felt it was a teensy bit repetitive.

Ok. Since Retane didn't post a link, I will.

Day One: Afternoon

EDIT: Oh, now you post it . . .

Don't skip me!

[Retane]

Originally posted by Android 17
I thought you did pretty well, Retane. The first paragraph threw me off a little bit due to my lack of information pertaining to your previous exploits. Good use of paragraph structure and whatnot to stress emphasis, but you repeated that method a few times. You might want to try using other means to make sure the reader knows that some serious shit/thought is running through Retane's head.

Your mechanics seem good in my mind in the sense that I can't see any blatant slip-ups. Keep it up, and I don't foresee you having any problem coasting through any roadblocks you encounter.

I hope that helps, Retane.

Here's mine: Day One: Afternoon

Helps alot. I'll try to perfect it. Never said I was much of an expert lol. Thanks man.

[Android 17]

Originally posted by Cargo

Originally posted by Cargo
Retane couldn't have said it better. But I felt it was a teensy bit repetitive.

Ok. Since Retane didn't post a link, I will.

Day One: Afternoon

EDIT: Oh, now you post it . . .

Don't skip me!

The first thing I'll say is that the fact that almost the entire post is a flashback/dream was a bit deterring to me. I mean, I understood why it's there (mainly from what you told me via AIM house ago), but it just seemed like you were trying to just randomly pass the time. Instead of just having Cargo randomly become lost in his dreams, you should waited until you got into a confrontation and then used the emotions from that post (which seem, based on what I read, Cargo's fight against his darkness) until afterwards. That would have made it more interesting and strong in my opinion.

Don't get me wrong, though, I enjoyed the post. I've seen that identical ploy (fighting one's dark self...hell, I did it at least twice in Friend or Foe 2) done before, but that didn't deter me. Your mechanics and grammar seemed without any major flaws. Keep up the good work, and I'd recommend that you find someone to scuffle with. Even if you don't kill them, it should help you build upon those negative emotions you seem to be trying to foster within Cargo.

I hope that I read your roleplay correctly and didn't misinterpret anything. Good luck, and if you need any more advice or help or something, feel free to hit me up on AIM or something.

[OldSpice]

@Cargo: This is not an accusation, but please try to refrain from replicating my "good/evil split personality" storyline. It would be rather unoriginal of you.

[Android 17]

@Spice: Chubbs has been around for 9 years. Do you know how many people with split personalities have arose in that time frame?

A whole damn lot. Enough so that I think a few people (myself included) have dedicated entire roleplays centered around parodies of the thing. It's been done a couple dozen times =( >_>