See ehn See

[Retane]

Originally posted by Cargo
Retane: It's definitely good to see this side of Retane. It breaks it up, you know. There were a few spelling errors (concious-conscious, releived-relieved), but those could obviously be corrected with spellcheck. Also:

Originally posted by Retane
The dark namekian wished it was noon, he didn't care even if it was the time of the height of the suns glory.

The second part of that setence didn't make sentence to me, but I could be wrong. Overall, I enjoyed the post and look forward to your roleplays in the future.

Rating: 8/10

My RP: Day Three: Morning

Meh... Yeesh. Retane hates light. Noon = no shadow..the peak of the sun.

[Raditzu]

Originally posted by Android 17
Oh and here's my request: Day Three: Morning

You're writing, in and of itself, is as good as most people have come to expect from you. Word choice, flow, conventions, grammar, all of that stuff is dead on.

What I wa surprised about, was the uncharacteristic inconsistencies of your post. It feels like you're trying to do a lot of things at once, and they don't all click together the way I think you wanted them to.

The first thing that caught me was the initally dialouge of 17 talking to himself.

Originally posted by Android 17
?Get the fuck up, maggot,? the android pleaded to himself

That's not really how most people plea. Its clear what you were trying to do, but the execution came off a bit awkward. In the fourth paragraph you have a few lines of dialouge; though it takes a bit of time to read them, 17 would have actually said them in fairly quick succession. These are the lines:

Originally posted by Android 17
?I don?t want to die,?
?God damn it,?
?I should have just skedaddled on out of there.?

That's a pretty good example of what I meant about being inconsistent. Laying there, thinking you're going to die and practically in tears about it, the first two lines make perfect sense. That last one... well... felt weird to me.

That's all I had for specific examples, but there were a couple other things I wanted to mention. The first one was this whole "that's what I get for teaming with someone" thing. You seem to have set up this dichotomy in 17's mind between getting a hole punched through him and going with someone else. And then 17 goes through great lengths to pull himself to someone else and make sure they're ok. I get the whole friendly backstory between 17 and SB, but 17 didn't seem to be making the disctinction to himself. It just came off as a bit contradictory when you think about it for a second.

The other thing I wanted to touch on were the emotions. Its obvious, throughout the post, that 17 is going through a lot, but its not really obvious why he's being thrown through all of these emotions at once. Is this the first time he's been in this kind of pain? Is he really concerned about dying? Does he still think of this as just a game that he can fun with? The emotions themselves run the gamut from anger to sadness to concern to desperation to unknown (at the end) and it feels like too much in too short a space.

Like I said in the beginning, the writing was great in the post, and there was a ton of emotion, but I think this is a case where you could have gotten a whole lot from taking the one larger post and developing the themes within it throughout two or three smaller posts. Of course, I certainly understand being busy and having to work with the time you have.

Anyway, I hope you found that helpful. I was trying to be a bit more critical than I usually would be, but that's because I hold you to a higher standard in my mind.

If someone would be so kind:

Day Three: Evening

[Retane]

It was tasteful, and had that linger of humor all throughout it. I liked how you mentioned the fact that he did his best to fix the injuries, yet mentioned they weren't truley fixed or healed as well. If you wanted it longer you coulda described the mending process a bit, but to much woulda made it boring I guess. Great job is all I can say.

[Jinpo]

No link.

So . . . Day Three: Evening

[Burter]

Actually, Rad should go again since he didn't really get very good C&C. Unless you can actually help them instead of saying "good job", don't bother wasting their turn

[Retane]

lol how can you perfect what he writes?

[Jinpo]

Originally posted by Raditzu
If someone would be so kind:

Day Three: Evening

Like Retane said, it was a pretty good post. I'll try to give you a little more in depth C&C. First off, I really like your writing style. It is comical, but serious when it needs to be. But, I'll go through some of the things that I noticed. Grammar wise, most things were ok other than an occasional lapse (i.e. the lack of an apostrophe in the first setence of the first long paragraph or the wrong usage of "surprised" at the end). But, that is really just nitpicking and doesn't take away from the quality of the post. Also, I really didn't get why the doll became an animate object. In my opinion, you didn't make that clear enough. Hallucinating from the pain? The hunger? The only other thing I can really say is just proofread. Now, something's in your post are different than what I would do, sentence structure and composition wise, but your way seems to work great for you. Continue on with it. Great post.

Originally posted by Cargo
No link.

So . . . Day Three: Evening

EDIT: Oh, I don't think I explained well enough why Cargo wants to fight Retane now. It is, again, because of emotions. Cargo wants to see which is stronger, someone fueled by anger or a callous fighter. If you got any of that from the post, awesome, but I don't think you will.

[Raditzu]

I liked the dark tone of your writing. I think you got down the gruesomeness of Cargo's beating a dead horse, so to speak. What didn't really work for me was the humor that you tossed in. Most of your post carries a darker and more serious tone, but the humor doesn't really follow. The AIDS bit and the gay fighters line were both funny, but were kind of jarring when sprinkled through the violence/seriousness. Might just have been me, though. If other people are telling you it works, and you like that style, then stick with it.

I don't really know a lot about your character. It seemed like there were some assumptions to be made about your character that I didn't have the background knowledge to make. The random gruesomeness caught me off-guard, but that was easy enough to go along with. The little flashback sequence also seemed a little random, as I don't know if that's something that Cargo is prone to, or if its the result of a DA injury, or what. Also fairly easily to go along with. I generally give people the benefit of the doubt when I don't have a lot of prior knowledge about their character or their writing style.

Aside from that, I thought you had very solid descriptions. You utilized a great vocabulary and choose words that allowed sentence fluency to stay natural and easy-to-follow. There were a couple of fragments in there, but that's a minor comment.

On the whole, those are pretty minor criticisms. That was a very solid post.

---------------------------------------

For me:

Day Four: Evening

[Deo]

It was an interesting turn of events, to see Rad thrust into the role of a child explaining his reasons for his behavior. To see someone giving him a tongue lashing for all his little problems, and problematic behavior, and it also seemed to give a bit of insight into why he's so shallow and fixated on how everyone views him.

Although it was so out of place for him, I sort of just like...cocked a brow more then welled up with any particular emotions. I think that's a good thing, I can't really tell.

The fact he was being reprimanded like that egged me on to keep reading (Mostly because I've never been too fond of the actual character, much like how I dislike certain villians or anti-heros for the way they're designed. Although sometimes that's the creator's goal, which I feel is very much your case a lot of the time).

Over all, I enjoyed it, but it did very much detract from the atmosphere and I had to remind myself that there actually was a war going on and that it wasn't just dramatic internal monologue.

Elimination Exit

[Android 17]

Interesting post, Kollifum. While I wasn't familiar enough with your character's family to understand the meaning of your flashback, it was nevertheless a great block of writing. Aside from my confusion about your character's family, the memory/dream served to get me interested in knowing why Kollifum is apparently so infuriated with his father and younger sister.

I also enjoyed the block of writing after the conclusion of the dream. I could easily picture your character going through all that, although I did get a bit confused with the whole mechanical bits in your heart. I didn't know whether or not you were trying to say that the shotgun shrapnel was still embedded in there or if Kollifum always had mechanical implements in his body.

Your character's analysis of the attendant and the game itself seemed like the standard analysis one gives when leaving Dante's Abyss, so I can't really remark on the last paragraph or so.

All in all, I really enjoyed your word choice and style; however, you did have what seemed to be fragments every here and there, although I figured that was probably just there for artistic/narrative purpose. At points, it seemed like you were stumbling into present tense as well (although it's quite possible that I just read something awkwardly). In the end, it came off as great writing, although I did find myself hard pressed as to whether or not I like your character (if you understand what I mean). That just ties into my lack of his background knowledge, so I won't hold anything against ya.

I hope that helps you.

Here's mine. As an 'FYI' for anyone reading who hasn't been following either the game or my character in the game: Seventeen is malfunctioning. He's seeing things and quite insane at the moment because of it, albeit a calm, askew insanity. So if things come off as bizarre, ridiculous, and nonsensical, then that's why =P -> Day Four: Evening

[Jinpo]

Since we are working together, I feel like I should give you my opinion on things. In reference to that particular post, I thought it was well done. First of all, I don't think you needed the opening narratory thing. To me, it seemed like you tacked it on to make the post longer. I got the point of the post without it. Otherwise, I like it and the storyline in general. I feel that you are pretty consistent with the character. He is getting more and more childlike in his madness and it is interesting to read. Just make sure that you don't make Seventeen too crazy.

My RP: Day Five: Early Morning

I appreciate it if you could look over and critique both of my Early Morning posts, but if you only want to do one, I'd pick that one first.

[Android 17]

In dialog-laden posts, you might want to drop the bolding internal thoughts or at least drop the quotes around them. Because in posts like this where it's a back and forth conversation interspersed with thoughts, it can be confusing as to what is a thought and what is being spoken since when you bold everything, it's harder to really depict them, even with the italics (bold accentuates more than italics).

Other than that mechanical nitpick, I thought the post was cute. It was interesting to see Cargo sort of out of his blackhearted element and having to deal with Seventeen's infantile-esque nature, while at the same time trying to keep the facade alive.

Like I said on AIM, I liked the petal bit a lot in the second post. It was interesting and read very well.

I don't really have anything I want hardcore C&C'd, but if someone has time, feel free to read this post. It's one of, what I feel, to be one of the more spontaneous, humor-laden posts: Day Five: Morning

[Bra]

That was hilarious.

I've got to admit, you've got the 'teen angst' thing down pat, plus the hallucination bits are pretty good. I had to grin at the whole 'Alexander' nonsense, and I can tell you've certainly infused a bit of Red Mage into 17 lately.

One thing, though, is I was very surprised at how abruptly and curtly 17 confronts Paige about her failing to remember her grandmother's birthday. I could have missed it, but I could have sworn 17 was much more... careful with her. Again, this might actually be perfectly okay, if you had intended it to come out that mean.

Other than that you had a slight grammatical error, which might not actually be an error (looks like should have hiphenated 'centuries old'), and that's about it.

It was a polished post. Very random, and chock-full of 'weird', which I'm fairly sure is what you're shooting for. I... honestly tried to be extra harsh when critiquing this one so as to supply better C&C, but it's... hard to do for this one. I'd prefer it a bit longer, but this is pretty much the length Reb enjoys (I think) so I can't fault you for that. Good job, seriously.

- - - - -

I guess it's my turn?

I'd be much obliged.